


First Day of My Life

by cohenatwood



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/F, F/M, So this is going to be hella sad, i'm sorry ahead of time
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-09
Updated: 2016-10-14
Packaged: 2018-08-20 08:58:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 14
Words: 32,639
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8243716
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cohenatwood/pseuds/cohenatwood
Summary: Life is going well for Lexa Woods: great job, beautiful loving wife, and a baby on the way. Then she finds out that she has kidney cancer that will leave her dead within months. She sets out to film her life's acquired wisdom for her child, and ends up on a voyage of self-discovery and reconciliation.





	1. Suddenly Everything Changed

**Author's Note:**

> Wow, another AU so soon. Yeah, I just finished watching a movie called My Life with Michael Keaton and Nicole Kidman and for some reason felt like writing this painful fic. The film gave me inspiration. Toss on current depression and other personal things and you get this fic. 
> 
> Unlike the other one I just finished, I haven't written this one out. I've only got the first chapter, so expect random updates.
> 
> This fic is going to be sad. If terminal illness and all that jazz triggers you, don't read this. If death upsets you, don't read this.
> 
> Happy reading.

“It worked!” Clarke walks out of the bathroom, beaming as she waves the stick around. Lexa shoots up from the bed.

“It worked?!” Lexa asks, eyebrows raised. Clarke nods her head vigorously. Lexa stands up on the bed and jumps from it so she lands right in front of Clarke. She wraps her arms around Clarke’s waist and begins twirling her around.

“Holy shit, babe! We’re gonna have a kid. A biological kid. It worked!” Lexa yells, making Clarke laugh in her arms.

“You’re gonna make me dizzy, put me down!” Clarke chuckles. Lexa obliges and looks at Clarke. She runs her fingers through her wavy blonde hair, tucking a piece behind her ear before she leans in to place a warm kiss on her mouth.

They pull away, but keep their foreheads pressed together, both smiling.

“It worked.” Lexa whispers. Clarke nods, and places another long kiss on Lexa’s mouth.

Clarke Griffin and Lexa Woods met their freshman year orientation at UCLA. Lexa, majoring in pre-law, Clarke majoring in Art History. They quickly became best friends; at semester even going as far as requesting a roommate change (much to the dismay of their current roommates, who also happened to be their respective best friends from childhood). What went from best friends, turned into falling in love, which then turned into a tennis match of whether they should risk it or not, to them going for it, married, and now expecting their first child.

The two decided to go with an experimental route when trying to conceive their first child. Clarke’s mother, Abby Griffin, had shown Clarke and Lexa studies from the U.K. where they took one of the spouses bone marrow and were able to grow functioning sperm cells which then were implanted in the other spouses uterus, giving same-sex female couples a chance to have biological children. The two decided to try it and the result, is their current state of happiness.

The good news also comes off of the news of Lexa making partner at her firm and Clarke scoring a major client that wants to pay quite a bit of money for some of her art pieces. Needless to say, things are going absolutely perfect for them.

Lexa picks up Clarke again and carries her to their bed as Clarke throws her head back in laughter. Lexa lays her down and falls on top of her and begins kissing Clarke.

Their mouths battle with one another seamlessly, and Lexa begins kissing down Clarke’s neck, her clavicle, in between her breasts, until finally she starts placing messy kisses all over Clarke’s stomach.

“There is a human being growing in there!” Lexa exclaims while looking up at Clarke. Clarke smiles brightly at her wife’s excitement.

“Our human being.” Clarke says. Lexa nods and gives a lopsided smile as she kisses her way back up to Clarke’s mouth.

They kiss deeply until Lexa pulls away. Their legs tangling together.

“I love you.” Clarke whispers, staring longingly into Lexa’s dark lustful green eyes.

“I love you too.” Lexa whispers back. She then reaches over to the side table to turn out the light as the two of them tangle in the sheets, panting and sweating until the dawn.

//

Lexa wakes up early for her morning run. She untangles herself from a sleepy Clarke and heads towards their ensuite bathroom. She tries to stretch out her back, thinking the discomfort is from the awkward position she was laying in. She makes it into the bathroom and begins relieving herself. She forgets to flush, being still halfway asleep and makes her way over to the sink to splash cold water on her face. Lexa then begins her routine of brushing her teeth and putting her wild mane into a ponytail. She then remembers she didn’t flush and makes her way over to do it. What she sees makes herself rub her sleepy eyes a few times.

Blood. It wouldn’t be alarming to her normally, considering she’s a girl and this happens every month. But her period ended last week, and she has never been irregular in her life. She furrows her brow but flushes, thinking it’s probably just remnants from her last period. There’s a first time for everything.

She walks out of the bathroom and goes in search of her workout clothes in hers and Clarke’s shared walk-in closet. She finds a long sleeved workout shirt and some leggings. She goes and sits on the bed and ties up her shoes and is off to the races.

She runs almost 8 miles, getting the runners high at about the 4th mile which helped her push on. By the time she reenters her house, Clarke is dressed and in the kitchen making breakfast.

“Morning crazy.” Clarke smiles as she flips an omelette. Lexa walks over and places a kiss on her head before making her way to the fridge. She grabs a bottle of water and takes a long pull.

“Morning lazy.” Lexa finally retorts back. Clarke just sticks out her tongue.

“I’m carrying your child, you can’t call me that.” Clarke jokes as she sets two omelette’s down on separate plates.

“I just did.” Lexa smirks as she walks over to grab one of the plates laid out. Clarke playfully smacks her arm, making Lexa chuckle. She makes her way to their island and jumps up onto the stool. Clarke turns off the stove and joins her.

Lexa moans in approval of the omelette, eyes closed and chewing. Clarke smirks at her.

“That good huh?” Clarke asks in-between bites. Lexa nods.

“The best.” Lexa leans over and places a kiss on Clarke’s cheek. She then remembers the weird thing in the bathroom and decides to ask Clarke about it, considering her mother is a doctor.

“So weird thing this morning. I went to the bathroom and found blood in my urine.” Lexa says, nonchalance.

“Well, you are a girl last I checked, have been since you were born. I wouldn’t say finding blood in your urine being weird.” Clarke says, not looking up from eating her omelette.

“Now see, I would say the same thing, except my period ended last week and i’ve never been irregular.” Lexa says. Clarke stops eating and turns to look at Lexa, her eyes furrowed.

“Well, you should make an appointment to get that checked.” Clarke says. Lexa then nods and they both go back to eating their breakfasts.

“Speaking of appointments, when will you be making yours to get our first ultrasound?” Lexa asks, not being able to stop the grin that forms on her lips.

“I’ll call this afternoon. We also need to let everyone know. My mom, Raven, Octavia…your family.” Clarke eyes Lexa as she mentions her family, watching her tense up slightly.

“Yeah yeah. Let’s do all that after I shower. We can hold off on calling my parents tonight.”

“Lex, they’re on the east coast. It’ll be late by then. It makes more sense to call them while we’re making the rounds. I’ll be the one that talks to them if it bothers you that much.” Lexa stands to put her plate in the sink, she walks back over to Clarke and places a kiss on her head.

“Whatever you want, pretty girl.” She then makes her way up the stairs to shower and get ready for the phone calls for the day.

//

“Have you been having discomfort anywhere else?” Dr. Mikaelson asks Lexa.

“My back has been bothering me a little. I think I just pulled something though. “ Lexa replies.

She watches her doctor type things into a computer furrowing his brow as he does. A moment passes and he stops typing and looks at Lexa.

“Any other symptoms? Things maybe a little out of the ordinary for you?” He asks. Lexa thinks for a moment.

“I’ve been a lot more tired recently. I think it might be from the promotion and having a baby on the way. But I do find myself waring out a lot more easily.” Dr. Mikaelson nods and types what Lexa assumes the symptoms she just rattled off.

“Okay, i’m going to take your temperature and get your blood pressure.” He stands and takes a thermometer out and places it under Lexa’s tongue. After a few moments it beeps and he takes a look.

“98.6. So no fever. Let’s get your blood pressure.” He grabs the arm band, placing it on her right arm. He begins pumping it, reading the numbers. He furrows his brow and takes off the arm band. He writes down the numbers but doesn’t voice it out loud.

Lexa puts her jacket back on as she watches her doctor go back to the computer to input more information. Another moment passes and he seizes the typing.

“Alright. Your blood pressure is pretty high and mixed in with the other symptoms you have expressed, I want to get some blood from you and i’m also going to get someone in here to give you an ultrasound on your kidney’s. I also want to send you over across the street to get a CT scan, just to be safe. We’ll get all this done today and i’ll review the results and we’ll go from there.”

Lexa nods, not really worried about all the tests.

“Okay, sit tight. We’ll get someone in here to take some blood and give you that ultrasound. Let me print out a sheet for you to take over to imaging across the street. I already put in an order for the CT scan so it shouldn’t be a long wait.”

“Okay, sounds good.”

//

Clarke lays on the table in her hospital gown, waiting patiently for her OBGYN. Lexa’s peeking around the office, making Clarke roll her eyes.

“You’re like a little kid sometimes I swear. Always gotta snoop through things.” Clarke voices. Lexa turns around and smirks.

“But that’s why you love me right?” Lexa cocks her head to the side.

“Sometimes I wonder if I bumped my head at some point. Or if you created some love potion and slipped it into one of my drinks.” Clarke jokes. Lexa feigns hurt.

“I don’t need potions or bumps on the head. My own charming self is just that good.” Lexa winks.

“Whatever you tell yourself to sleep at night.” Clarke chuckles.

It’s then that Clarke’s OBGYN comes in. Lexa startles a little and sheepishly walks over to Clarke to hold her hand.

“It’s good to see you again Clarke. Lexa, always a pleasure.” Clarke looks at Lexa and rolls her eyes. Lexa lightly chuckles. Clarke’s doctor walks over to the ultrasound machine to get the probe.

“I see you were snooping once again, Lexa.” Her doctor jokes. Which makes Lexa wink at her.

“Can’t help myself. So many shiny things.” Lexa retorts earning a hearty laugh from the OBGYN.

“Alright. Clarke you might feel some pressure but it shouldn’t be too bad.” She inserts the probe and the ultrasound screen begins to light up. Clarke squeezes Lexa’s hand for a moment before going slack. The two watch the screen, not really knowing what they’re looking for.

“That little light, towards the middle, do you two see that?” Clarke and Lexa both nod, not taking their eyes off the screen.

“That’s the embryo. See how it’s flickering? That’s a heartbeat. I’d say you’re about 6 weeks.” Clarke turns to Lexa who is still staring at the screen, mouth agape. Absolutely mesmerized.

“Lex, there it is.” Clarke whispers. Lexa finally takes her eyes off the screen looking at Clarke’s bright blue eyes.

“We did that?” Lexa questions, still in a daze.

“We did that.” Clarke smiles.

“Let me take a few pictures for you guys to take home.” They both turn back to watch the screen and then it goes dark. Clarke looks at Lexa again, beaming with pride.

“I’ll be right back with your photos and to schedule the next appointment. Clarke, go ahead and get dressed.” She leaves the room and Clarke sits up.

“I can’t believe that’s going to grow into a human being.” Clarke says as she stands to get changed. Lexa stops her and pulls her in for a searing kiss.

They pull away and Lexa looks at Clarke with nothing but pure unadulterated love.

“I love you so much.” Lexa says.

“If you could take a look in my chest, you’d be terrified to see how much I love you.” Clarke replies, earning a cheeky grin from Lexa.

“Told you it was just my charm.” Lexa smirks.

//

“Mrs. Griffin-Woods, did you bring anyone with you today like I instructed?” Dr. Mikaelson asks.

“Oh yeah, I knew I was forgetting something. Is it mandatory?” Lexa jokes. Dr. Mikaelson sighs and shakes his head.

“Always a smartass. No, it was just preferred. Where’s your wife?” He asks.

“She’s meeting a client right now. Putting on that Griffin charm to bring home some bacon.” Lexa leans back in her chair in front of the doctor. Relaxed.

“Very well then.” He opens what Lexa assumes is her file and test results from the multiple tests he had had her do three weeks ago.

“I like you Lexa. I do. So when I tell you this, please know it is a burden.” Dr. Mikaelson has a look of remorse on his face.

Lexa furrows her brow, confused by her doctors statement. “Alright.”

“Your ultrasound and CT results show that you have a tumor on your kidney. It’s already grown through the outer part of it. Those two tests, as well as your blood test also show that the cancer has spread to the local lymph glands and has also metastasized in your liver, stomach, and one of your lungs. I’m sorry to say…but you don’t have much longer. This is a very aggressive cancer. I’m so sorry.”

Lexa frowns and stares at a point in Dr. Mikaelson’s nearly perfect mahogany desk. There’s a chip in it, and that’s what Lexa focuses on. After a moment she leans forward and hangs her head. Cancer. Aggressive cancer. Not much longer. That’s all she got from his scientific explanation.

“How much?” Lexa croaks. She hopes he understands her question.

“I’d say, about 6 months.” He replies. Lexa hangs her head again. That’s not nearly enough time. She works her jaw from side to side. She finally raises her head to meet the sympathy in her doctor’s eyes.

“Are there treatment options?” Lexa asks, her voice a little shaky.

“I’m not an Oncologist. But from what I know about this type of cancer, and the stage it’s at, you can take immunotherapy drugs to prolong the inevitable. But, unfortunately, you’ll never be in remission. I’m so sorry Lexa.”

Lexa sits back and takes a deep breath. She looks out the window of his office, then nods her head. So this is her karma. This was the other shoe that had to drop. Things were going too perfect.

She now has an expiration date.


	2. Don't Know Where I Am

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke and Lexa attempt to come to terms with Lexa's diagnosis.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah another chapter already. Also expect a third tonight. Once again heed my warning. This shit is going to be sad. 
> 
> I only have basic medical knowledge of some of this stuff, so if there are some inaccuracies, I apologize.

  
Clarke keeps her head in her hands. She can’t will herself to look into her wife’s eyes at the moment. Terminal cancer. That’s what she had gotten from Lexa’s somber explanation. This can’t be real.

“Clarke, will you please look at me?” Lexa pleads. It’s that broken yet strong voice that makes her take her head out of her hands. Her eyes red rimmed, still overflowing with tears. She sees the brokenness in Lexa’s forrest green eyes.

“I have an appointment with an Oncologist, to see what treatment I can do from here. I need you to come with me…please.” Lexa whispers the last word. Clarke nods her head, still not able to speak.

Clarke goes to turn her head away but Lexa kneels down in front of her. She takes Clarke’s head into her hands and makes her look at her.

“Hey, we’re gonna get through this. We’re Clarke and Lexa. We can get through anything.” The two stare in one another’s eyes, until Clarke slowly nods. Lexa then begins wiping Clarke’s tears and her own. She goes to stand up once more until Clarke grasps her hand, squeezing tightly. Lexa stops her movements and Clarke pulls her into a long kiss. It’s mixed with the salt of both of their tears and Clarke’s lipstick.

They pull away and new tears have formed on Clarke’s cheeks.

“I love you. I’m not giving up, so you’re not allowed to either.” Clarke whispers in a shaky tone.

Lexa nods her head.

//

“Do you have her scans and diagnosis?” Abby asks her daughter. Clarke reaches into her bag to pull out a manilla folder. She hands the folder to her.

“Let’s go into the kitchen so I can see the films better.” Abby gestures towards her kitchen and Clarke follows. Clarke sits down at the round table while Abby moves to grab Clarke a bottle of water. She makes her way over, the folder still in her hands as she sits down next to Clarke.

Abby begins taking films and papers out, spreading them on the table. She keeps her eyebrows furrowed, studying the different pieces of information.

She then picks up one of the films and holds it out to the light. Her eyes soften and grow somber. She sets it down and then looks at her daughter. She then begins shaking her head, not really knowing where to start.

“I love you. So i’m not going to sugarcoat this, okay?” Abby grasps Clarke’s hand and she nods.

“I wouldn’t want you to do anything different just because i’m your daughter.” Clarke squeezes Abby’s hand for reassurance.

“It’s bad, baby. Real bad. The problem with kidney cancer is people don’t notice symptoms until it’s already progressed. Her back might have been aching and she thought she slept wrong or pulled something working out. Just little signs like that are easy to explain away. The source tumor is located here,” Abby picks up one of the ultrasound pictures and points at a large mass,” it’s already past the point of being removed. The cancer cells then were transferred through her blood, spreading to her lymph nodes around that area. After that, it’s easy for it to continue spreading so it continued to metastasized into her liver, stomach, and most recently one of her lungs. That makes it terminal. It’s so wide spread now.” Abby tries to subtlety wipe a tear away.

Clarke sits back in the chair, taking in the new information. Lexa didn’t really know how to explain it in medical terms and had agreed that Clarke could go see her mother to get the science of it.

“She has an appointment with an Oncologist tomorrow. What can we expect?” Clarke’s voice is shaky.

“Who’s the Oncologist?” Abby asks.

“Dr. Kane.” Abby nods her head.

“He’s really good. So no worries on that front. They can’t remove the source tumor, so surgery won’t be an option here. I don’t think he’ll want to risk radiation or do a pick-line chemo option. I think he’ll want to do an immunotherapy drug. Which is just taking certain combination of pills to try and strengthen her immune system so those cells can fight the cancer cells.”

Clarke nods, “So there will be a treatment option. I won’t have to just sit there and watch her go down hill.”

“Clarke, I have to stress…she’s never going to be better. It’s too far advanced which is why they are calling it terminal. Taking those drugs will only prolong her from reaching the inevitable faster. It will just attempt to slow the spread of the cancer cells. And it’s not always a guarantee that it’ll work. Sometimes the drugs can kill the person faster. Cancer is a poison and the only way to fight it is with poison as well at this point.” Abby squeezes Clarke’s hand as she notices her eyes spilling over with tears.

They sit in silence for awhile. Abby just holding Clarke’s hand as she looks around the table, tears falling down her cheeks.

“I don’t want this.” Clarke sobs out. Abby moves herself over to hold Clarke.

“I know, honey. I know.” Abby rubs circles on Clarke’s back as she breaksdown in her arms. Abby not being able to hide her own tears now.

Abby loves Lexa like her own. Before her and Clarke had even gotten together she wanted them to get together. Lexa was always able to make Clarke laugh. She was the only person who could reach Clarke after Jake, Clarke’s father, had passed away. She has a look of fierceness but in reality, Abby knows she’s a teddy bear. She especially melts when it comes to her daughter. Knowing that at some point in the near future, Clarke is going to lose that, especially now that they are expecting their first child, breaks her heart.

//

“Do you think strangers come into our kitchen and see all these pills and think, ‘these people are pill pushers’?” Lexa deadpans as she swallows more pills.

Clarke starts the blender, ignoring Lexa’s attempt at jokes as Raven sits at their island just shaking her head.

“Ugh, green sludge.” Lexa says contorting her face in disgust as Clarke pours a glass.

“I don’t get how you can drink that stuff.” Raven says, an equal face of disgust.

Lexa takes a gulp and furrows her brow. “I mean it’s not that bad…especially when you get to the chewy center.”

Raven scrunches up her nose, “Ugh.” Lexa then takes another gulp.

“Hmm.” She hums and then jokingly lets it run out of her mouth onto the countertop.

Raven laughs, “That’s disgusting.”

“Really?” Lexa asks mockingly, Raven nods her head. “Sorry.” Lexa starts to move towards the fridge but not before stretching the glass out towards Raven.

“You sure you don’t want some?” She jokes. Raven just chuckles, shaking her head.

“Maybe next time.” She answers. Lexa grabs a bottled water out of the fridge and then walks back over to Raven.

“You know, there might not be a next time.” Lexa winks. Clarke sets a plate of eggs forcefully in front of Raven, rolling her eyes in the process.

“My best friend is a saint, you married a saint, Lexa.” Raven says, glancing at Clarke who moves over to pour a cup of coffee for Raven.

“I know! It’s the balance of nature, Rae. Between the two of us, we almost make a normal person.” Lexa jokes.

Raven smirks and watches Lexa take another gulp of the green drink.

“I called your parents this morning.” Clarke says while Lexa is mid-drink. She falters a little then pulls the glass away from her lips, wiping her mouth.

“You’re kidding. What’d you do that for?” Lexa’s voice isn’t angry, just curious.

“Well someone had to. I told them you were having tests…they were grateful to know. You should call them.” Clarke eyes Lexa as she takes another gulp of the gross mixture.

“You make it sound like I never talk to them. I just talked to them…when was it?” Lexa asks.

“Two months ago, when we found out I was pregnant. You didn’t say but two words to them. Your mom sounded concerned.” Clarke replies, taking a sip of water.

“Concerned. She loves me so much why doesn’t she get on an airplane and come out to see me.” Lexa states, more to herself as she takes another long gulp.

“Fly? She doesn’t believe in a higher power that much.” Clarke retorts back.

“You should call her, you know.” Raven says. Lexa playfully glares at her.

“Traitor.” Raven rolls her eyes.

Since the diagnosis, Lexa has been a little distant towards Clarke. Not really wanting to talk about the inevitable as well as the possibility of Lexa leaving her behind with an unborn child. Clarke has started to show a little now. So she jokes. She especially doesn’t want her family to know. She is estranged from them for the most part. The minute she turned 18 she packed her bags and moved across the country.

“Lincoln’s getting married.” Clarke says, breaking Lexa out of her thoughts.

“Really? To whom?” Lexa raises her eyebrows, she’s fairly certain that she knows who it is.

“Octavia.” Clarke says, as she starts to make a sandwich.

“Can’t say i’m surprised about that.” Lexa says harshly as she makes her way over to the sink, washing the glass of the gross concoction.

“It’s on April 21st. I thought it’d be nice to go there.” Clarke says, not looking up from her task.

“You mean I was invited?” Lexa asks, Clarke nods her head. There’s a moment of silence until Lexa speaks up again.

“Well, i’ll probably be dead by then anyways so…” Lexa dramatically raises her eyebrows towards Raven mockingly as she takes a gulp of her bottled water. Raven watches Clarke clench her jaw and close her eyes for a moment before she returns to her task.

“Great, then we’ll have the perfect excuse to not show up.” Clarke mutters.

Lexa points her finger at Clarke, clearly having heard her and nods.

“Exactly!” She says. Clarke stops and looks at Lexa, staring at her unamused.

“C’mon. We haven’t been back there in like…four years.” Clarke says.

Lexa shrugs, giving a noncommittal answer. Clarke walks over to Lexa and gives her a kiss on the cheek.

“Just think about it, yeah?” Clarke whispers. Lexa softens and nods. Clarke places a chaste kiss on her lips.

//

Lexa leans back in her office chair, looking at the stacks of cases on her desk. She swivels her chair to look out her office window. It’s then she hears someone come in. She sees the tall, broad shouldered man. One of her closest friends.

“Did you hear?” Bellamy asks, voice clearly annoyed.

“About Octavia and Lincoln? Yeah I did.” Lexa turns back around to look out the window.

“I found out through my mom’s Facebook of all things.” Bellamy says as he shuts Lexa’s office door and moves to sit in front of her desk. Lexa decides Bellamy probably wants to vent and turns back around, leaning back in her chair.

“So what do you think?” Lexa asks.

“I’m not surprised…but it’s bullshit. I still don’t understand how my mom has been okay with that relationship. She was underage for gods sake!” Bellamy throws his hands up in the air.

Lexa nods her head. Lincoln had come out to visit Lexa in her first year of college. Octavia is two years younger and since Bellamy was close friends with Clarke, and eventually became very close with Lexa, Octavia hung around campus with them. Lincoln is nearly 5 years older than Lexa. So when he came to visit, him and Octavia had hung out. They ended up hooking up and needless to say, Bellamy and Lexa were both very unhappy with Lincoln. After a huge blowout, Octavia ran away with Lincoln back to Lexa’s hometown in Polis on the east coast.

Her relationship with her adopted brother has been incredibly strained since. Bellamy also not fairing well with his relationship with Octavia.

“How’d you find out?” Bellamy asks, breaking Lexa of her thoughts.

“Clarke called my parents.” Lexa says shortly. Bellamy raises his eyebrows in surprise.

“She tell them what’s going on?” Bellamy asks, cautiously.

“No. Just that i’m having tests done. I guess my mom mentioned the wedding and apparently i’m invited.” Lexa replies, rolling her eyes.

Bellamy leans back in his chair. “Hmm.” The two sit in silence, mulling everything over.

“Clarke…always the peacemaker.” Lexa chuckles.

“Oh! I got your birthday gift. You sure you don’t want to go out?” Bellamy asks. Lexa shakes her head.

“I can’t drink with the medicine i’m on, and Clarke obviously can’t. It just wouldn’t be fun.” Lexa says, avoiding the real reason why she doesn’t want to celebrate her birthday.

“Alright. Whatever you want, boss.” Bellamy stands from his chair. He makes his way to the door but stops and turns around.

“Happy birthday, Lexa.” He smiles. Lexa returns the smile and nods her head. He opens the door and makes his way out.

Lexa sighs, slumps back in her chair. Realization that this will be the last birthday she celebrates or not really celebrates, hitting her.

//

“Happy birthday, baby.” Clarke holds a cupcake out for Lexa to blow out. She closes her eyes, not really wishing on anything, then blows it out. Clarke smiles.

Lexa unwraps the cupcake and starts to chew. She’s not really hungry but she figures it’s the least she can do for Clarke. Clarke watches her intently, clearly having something on her mind.

“What?” Lexa asks, mid chew.

“I-uh…i’m having another ultrasound.” Clarke says. Lexa stops chewing and looks at Clarke. She works her jaw from side to side then tries to hide her face by looking down at the book she was reading. She shields her face with her hand, pretending to read.

“It’s to find out the sex. I really want you to be there.” Clarke says hopefully. Lexa has been distant with Clarke. With their unborn child. Knowing that she probably won’t be there to even see it born…it just hurts her too much to think about. So she’s been trying to stay out of anything to do with their baby.

“Before you reject it…let me say something. I think it’d be good for you. We’ll get a picture, a real picture this time, not just a flickering light. We’ll start choosing names, and buy clothes…” Clarke can tell Lexa is trying to block her out.

Clarke swallows, trying to continue. “I need to share this with you, Lexa.” She reaches to grab Lexa’s hand. “Don’t make me go through this alone…please. It’s our baby.” Lexa moves her palm over her eyes, trying to hide her face more.

“Don’t pretend this away.” Clarke says, pleadingly. Lexa finally looks up at Clarke.

“I’m not pretending it away. I’m setting up trust funds, preparing for its future. What kind of pretending is that?” Lexa asks.

“Damnit Lex. Please.” Clarke’s eyes are brimming with tears. Lexa looks away.

“Love us.” Clarke says.

Lexa just hides her face again. Not letting her look into the tear-filled blue eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will be dealing with the whole filming portion. I will admit, it's going to be heartbreaking so prepare yourselves.


	3. Don't Know Where I've Been

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa and Clarke receive more bad news. Lexa decides to fight.

“We got the new scans and lab reports back this morning. I’m sorry Lexa, but they aren’t looking good. The response to the medicines that we were using to try and slow the process…are just not taking. Due to this, I can’t recommend further treatment.” Dr. Kane somberly states.

Lexa has her mouth agape. She feels silly…thinking that the pills she was taking may buy her more time. She feels Clarke squeeze her hand tightly. Lexa can’t help but move her hand away. She knows she shouldn’t be shocked, but she is.

“I think we should face things now as they are, instead of continuing to poison your body when it’s not working. But of course, we will continue to monitor everything. You could still have three to four months, you should aim for that.” Lexa swallows and chances a glance at Clarke. She instantly rests her hand on the tiny baby bump, a tear slipping out of her eye. Not enough time.

“Four months.” Lexa whispers. Shaking her head in disbelief.

“You have the spring to look forward to. Your symptoms won’t be too bad. We have drugs to manage the pain.” Lexa thinks for a moment. The lump in her throat building.

She leans forward and wills herself to finally speak.

“What if…ah…what if I want to do the treatment again?” Lexa asks, trying to swallow the lump.

“Lexa, legally, as you know, I can’t stop you. But the treatment, the pills. Nearly killed you. That time you were rushed to the hospital, it was touch and go for 6 hours. And it still didn’t work.” Dr. Kane pleads.

Lexa scoffs and sits back in her chair. He’s right though. Two weeks ago she couldn’t breathe. Scaring the hell out of Clarke and all their friends. They thought she was going to leave for a second, but she pulled through. But all that pain, it didn’t work. But she made a promise to Clarke. That she wasn’t going to give up.

Lexa shakes her head and leans forward again. Now tears filling her eyes but refusing to let them fall.

“C’mon.” She scoffs, still shaking her head. She continues, “I’m still in the game here, you know? C’mon, one more. I mean there are a lot of other therapies…a lot of other…treatments. Right?” She glances at Clarke who is crying and looking at her.

Dr. Kane has a sympathetic look on his face.

“Don’t make this anymore painful than it has to be. You don’t have much time left. Don’t waste it in futile searches. Look, medicine has some terrible limitations. And I wish there was something more I can say. There just aren’t any words, Lexa.”

Lexa leans back and wipes a stray tear before it rolls onto her cheek.

Clarke and Lexa begin walking back towards their car. Clarke trying to stifle her sobs enough until they get inside the car. The further they walk away, the more angry she is getting. Hearing Clarke cry…knowing she may be leaving Clarke sooner than expected. Leaving their unborn baby. She’s angry. They make it to the car and she watches Clarke open the passenger door with a shaky breath. Lexa sees herself in the glass of the window and she clenches her jaw. She made a promise, damnit.

She turns on her heel and starts briskly walking back towards the doctor’s office. She opens the door and begins hastily looking around. She walks past the receptionist area and ignores their calling out to her.

“Mrs. Griffin-Woods?!” She hears faintly as she opens the doors to head back into the various rooms. She peaks into Dr. Kane’s office, noticing he’s no longer there. She peaks in an examination room, it’s empty. Then opens the door of a closed examination room and sees Dr. Kane with a stethoscope on a patients heart. He pulls it back and looks at Lexa, shocked.

“Who the hell do you think you are?” Lexa maliciously says. Her anger at an all time high.

“You think you can take away my hope like that?” Lexa puts her hand on her chest, gesturing to herself.

Dr. Kane is speechless.

“Let me tell you something…that’s all I have. Got it? That’s all I have.” She stares at him, frowning. He looks at her with his mouth agape. She then turns around and walks out. She sees Clarke by one of the doors, she glances at her but then puts her head down as she walks past her.

She makes it a few steps before she turns back around and grabs Clarke’s hand. The two walk past shocked nurses and receptionists. Lexa just squeezes Clarke’s hand tighter, reassuring her that she won’t give up.

//

They walk up many flights of stairs in a very run down building. Lexa getting more sketched out the further up they walk.

“I feel like at any moment, either a wrecking ball or an axe murderer is going to come out of the woodwork.” She deadpans. Clarke rolls her eyes.

“Stop. It’s just a building.” Clarke reassures. Lexa stops for a moment.

“Maybe we should just go home. This is crazy.” Lexa raises her eyebrows. Clarke shakes her head.

“Raven said she took her father here when he was in end stage pancreatic cancer. Now he doesn’t have it. I don’t know how to explain it, but it is worth a shot at this point.” Clarke stares into Lexa’s eyes and she nods. The two continue up the stairs until they make it down the hall to a door.

Lexa looks at the door and it reads ‘Mr. Monty Green’s Clinic” she glances at Clarke briefly before she opens the door. They look around the clearly outdated room. There’s no receptionist. Almost every chair is filled with various walks of life. Ranging from elder people to babies. They find two seats by a wall and sit down together.

Lexa leans over to Clarke, “This is how a horror movie starts.” She murmurs. Clarke chuckles lightly then reaches over and hands Lexa a magazine.

“Here. Read something.” She softly smiles.

  
Hours pass. Clarke is lightly snoring in a chair. Lexa has put two chairs together and is laying on it, finishing the last magazine the office has. She reads the last sentence then sits up putting the magazine in her read stack. Clarke stirs and looks at Lexa.

“I feel better already. Let’s go.” Lexa quirks her eyebrow. It’s then she hears a faint voice.

“Mrs. Griffin-Woods.” She turns and looks at the closed door. She glances at Clarke then shrugs as she makes her way over to the door. She opens the door and walks into the expansive room, filled with dirty windows. She notices a single massage table in the middle of the room. Several old fans blowing around.

“Take off your shoes and lie down. I’ll be with you in a moment.” She hears a man say from somewhere in the room.

Lexa obliges and takes off her Nikes and then climbs up onto the table. She lays down but can’t help her fingers tapping on the leather. She hears a door open and hears footsteps. She decides to sit up and she sees a fairly young asian man. Probably around her age walk towards her.

“Look, just so you know. I’m looking for a miracle here.” Lexa states. She assumes the man is Mr. Green and he smirks at her.

“You believe in miracle’s?” He questions.

“I will if this works.” Lexa says as she lays back down, putting her arms underneath her head.

Mr. Green walks over to her.

“Ah, a lot of acid in your stomach. You take a lot of Rolaids.” He states. Lexa furrows her brow, confused on how he knew that.

“Yeah I do. How’d you know that.” He moves his body towards her face and smirks at her.

“These fell out of your pocket. They’re halfway gone.” He cheekily explains showing Lexa her Rolaid roll. Lexa can’t help but chuckle. He got her there. Even if this is crazy, at least he has a sense of humor.

He moves to grab her wrist. He holds it gently then begins nodding to himself.

“You had your appendix out a long time ago.” He states. Lexa frowns, once again confused on how he’d possibly know that.

He places his index finger and thumb underneath her neck and stares at her eyes.

“You were a child. About 4 or 5?” Lexa frowns even more.

“5” she replies. He smiles.

He then begins hovering his fingers over her body. He stops by her lungs.

“It’s spread here.” He states. He begins moving his hands by her stomach.

“And here.” He then hovers for a long time by her kidney.

“The sickness started in your kidneys. You are very sick.” He states. Lexa doesn’t know whether she should talk or not so she decides to keep silent.

“Just relax.” Mr. Green says. So Lexa takes a deep breath. She stares at the ceiling just watching the light of the sun move across it as the day wares on. Then all of a sudden she feels a burst of light come through her and she shoots up.

“What was that? That hurt.” Lexa is shocked. Mr. Green smiles.

“You’re fighting me. Making my job a little harder. You hold a lot of anger in your heart, Lexa.” Lexa scoffs and moves off the table going for her shoes.

“Anger is just as much of a sickness as cancer. You get rid of that…you can start healing.” Lexa stares at this man in disbelief. She shakes her head and begins lacing up her shoes.

“I’m not angry.” She mumbles. He steps towards her.

“You’ve been given an invitation. You have a chance to take it. Take it and that anger falls away. It isn’t too late.” Lexa stares at him, clenching her jaw.

//

Clarke is back on her OBGYN’s table. Surprisingly Lexa is with her again. It’s a different atmosphere this time. Lexa isn’t snooping or being smug. She’s quiet, keeping her head down as she sits next to Clarke.

“What are you thinking?” Clarke asks. Lexa shrugs.

“I don’t know.” She shakes her head. It’s then that her doctor comes in.

“Clarke, it’s great to see you again. Lexa, it’s great for you to come this time.” Lexa just nods. No retorts back. The doctor moves around and lifts up Clarke’s shirt to show her tiny baby bump.

“This jelly is going to be a little cold.” Clarke nods her head. The doctor splays the jelly over Clarke’s abdomen and then takes a different probe this time and moves it across Clarke’s belly.

“There is the head.” She states. Lexa lights up slightly. She watches the screen intently, seeing a very tiny head.

“There’s the umbilical cord. And you see that right there?” The doctor points something out on the screen. Lexa nods and Clarke does as well.

“It’s a boy.” The doctor smiles. Lexa stares at the screen. Amazed. It feels like just yesterday they were in here freaking out over a little tiny light. Now it’s a human. A boy. Her son. She remembers she has her new camera that Bellamy had given her for her birthday in her bag. She moves to take it out to record the screen.

Clarke watches her and smiles. It’s the most excitement Lexa has shown since her diagnosis. Lexa takes out her camera and presses record.

Lexa records a couple minutes of the ultrasound, She then moves it to Clarke who is beaming at her and the camera. She puts it down and turns it off. She smiles at her and gives her a kiss. She nods.

“I’m sorry.” Lexa whispers. And Clarke knows what she is apologizing for. For being distant, for shutting them out.

The doctor leaves the room to give them some privacy. Lexa holds Clarke for awhile. She then glances at the camera in her hand and then the still image of her son on the screen.

//

“My name is Lexa Griffin-Woods, I was born in…” Lexa shakes her head.

“No that’s not good.” She deletes it and then goes to record again.

“My name is Lexa Griffin-Woods…formally Lexa Woods…technically Alexandria Woods. I am - that’s - uh.” Lexa sighs in exasperation. “I hate this.” She shuts off the camera once again. She deletes the file and takes a deep breath.

“He’s going to know your name, dummy. Just speak.” Lexa says to herself. She then turns on the camera again and presses record.

“Okay look. I’m just gonna do this okay. I’m sorry if it doesn’t all make sense, but I may not have a lot of time here.” She chuckles a little. “So the fact is i’m supposed to be dying. Um, i’ve got a disease called cancer. There are a lot of different kinds of cancer, mine started in my kidneys, spread to my liver, stomach, and now it’s spreading into my lungs. Now I have a doctor, nice enough man, says that i’m not gonna make it, I plan to prove him wrong.” She says with a smirk into the lens.

She starts again, “Now the tricky part here is that…not that i’m supposed to be dying, but that you’re about to be born. Okay?” She pauses. “Here are some facts. We all die. Not pleasant, but we do. It happens. I could be hit by a truck tomorrow, hopefully not a large truck. I could, uh…be asleep palm tree crashes through the bedroom ceiling, kills me, it’s over. It could happen.” She pauses a moment before continuing.

“If something like that were to happen, it’d really be a drag because there are a lot of things that I want to tell you and say to you.” She swallows. “Um…” She takes a second to think.

“There’s not a lot you can trust in this world. There just isn’t. So, I wanted to leave you these clips, for better or for worse, so that you know something about me. Who I am.”

She takes a second.

“Well this is me.”


	4. I Especially Am Slow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa continues to film for her unborn son. Clarke wants Lexa to let her in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, three chapters in one day? Crazy. I guess i'm just getting a lot of inspiration for this.
> 
> Once again I can't stress enough to look at the Warning. This fic is dealing with terminal illness, unfortunately that stuff doesn't disappear. If this fic is totally fucking with your head, don't continue reading it! Your mental health is way more important folks.

“Okay so this here is my old baby book, and some pictures from when I lived in Polis.” Lexa is behind the camera now, opening up her old baby book.

“So, i’m sure when you look at pictures you’ll figure out I was adopted. Luckily I was adopted as a newborn so I didn’t have to go through the system.” Lexa flips to a page where her newborn footprints are. She takes her own foot and holds it up in comparison.

“Geez I grew.” She chuckles. She begins pulling out old photos of her mother and father and Lincoln.

“This gorgeous lady is your grandma Woods. She’s a very stern lady, very strong. But if you test her enough, she’ll melt.” Lexa smiles, looking at the photos through the lens of her camera.

She picks up a photo of her father, looking very young and giving a thumbs up in what looks to be in their old kitchen of her first childhood home.

“This photo is probably one of the rarest ones of them all, because grandpa Woods is actually awake. See, almost every photo ever taken of him is him asleep somewhere.” She moves that photo aside and sure enough, there’s a photo of her dad asleep in the recliner.

“Exhibit A.” She chuckles.

She recounts the dynamics of her family, refusing to delve into the drama of it all. She talks about how her birth father had died, ironically, 6 months before she was born. Her mother passed away giving birth to her. How Indra and Gustus Woods were looking to adopt a child, as a complication happened when Indra had given birth to Lincoln 5 years earlier. She talks about growing up in Polis, and the dynamics within that town.

She’s been recording her everyday life for close to a week now. She hasn’t told anyone what she’s doing, not really knowing where to begin. Clarke thinks she’s just picking up on wanting to be a documentary film maker late in life. She wants to tell her but she doesn’t want it to look like she’s giving up, because she’s not. These clips are just for insurance purposes, just in case. Better to be safe than sorry.

She decides that’s probably enough for the day and stores the clip onto her laptop.

She makes her way downstairs and is surprised to see Bellamy, his wife Gina, Raven and Anya sitting in her living room.

“Where’s the fire?” Lexa jokes, smirking at all of them as she enters the living room.

“Like we’d come to this dump if there were a fire.” Bellamy jokes. Lexa laughs and sees Clarke making her way into the living room from the kitchen with drinks in her hands.

“Hi.” Lexa smiles at Clarke. She had missed Clarke this morning as she went to her studio to paint and didn’t know she had arrived back. Clarke smiles back at her and Lexa places a kiss onto her cheek.

Lexa makes her way over to the couch to sit in between Raven and Anya. Jokingly shoving Anya over in the process.

“Glad to see you still have your strength, bitch.” Anya smirks. Lexa rolls her eyes.

“Not that i’m not loving all you guys here, but this is starting to feel like an intervention. Everyone in the room. Clarke handing out drinks for comfort. I promise all those pills were just for this thing that’s killing me.” Lexa holds up her hands in mock surrender. Gina and Bellamy shift uncomfortably, Anya looks down at her hands and shakes her head, Clarke rolls her eyes, it’s Raven who laughs.

“You’re such an idiot, you know that right?” Raven says, shoving Lexa’s shoulder a little. Lexa smiles. Raven has been the one that comes around the most. Lexa knows she’s mostly around to take care of Clarke, but the bonus is she’s used to Lexa’s morbid jokes. Anya had apparently told Raven she finds it hard to come see her because she hates thinking about how it could be the last time. Bellamy and Lexa haven’t gone out to get a drink in awhile so they only interact in the office. Gina has come by a few times to check in on Clarke, only having brief encounters with Lexa. So she gets that they might be a little uncomfortable with the jokes.

“Actually, we’re here because it’s game night.” Bellamy pipes up. Lexa furrows her brow then turns to Clarke who is sipping on green tea.

“I’m sick and feeble. You’re really condoning these assholes to beat us yet again at game night?” Lexa deadpans. Clarke chuckles.

“We won that one time.”

“That was sophomore year, and the only reason we won is because they all got hammered and forfeited the game!” Lexa throws up her hands as everyone begins laughing.

“Oh suck it up you big baby. We’re not gonna get many more chances to do this cause your stupid self decided it wants to start dying early.” Raven says, Lexa laughs hard at this. Clarke once again just rolls her eyes. Everyone else uncomfortable.

“I think we should cut back on the dying and death jokes for the evening.” Clarke says seriously. This softens both Lexa and Raven. They both nod, taking the hint that Clarke isn’t feeling it tonight.

“Alright, let’s get this show on the road then!” Bellamy stands as he brings out Monopoly to set on the coffee table.

//

“You guys cheated.” Lexa pouts as she takes a sip of water. The game of Monopoly ended with Clarke and Lexa being bankrupt first. Raven and Anya had gone out on top. The group is now settled on their back patio. Clarke leaning on Lexa on the outdoor love seat, Lexa absentmindedly stroking her hair.

“Not our fault you two don’t know how to manage your fake money.” Anya says. Lexa scowls at her best friend.

“This was fun.” Gina says, trying to change the subject before Lexa starts arguing. She is a lawyer after all.

“It was. Reminded me of college.” Bellamy replies.

Raven smirks and turns to Anya. “Remember when Clarke and Lexa ditched us when first semester ended so they could room together and have dirty dirty sex?” Clarke scoffs.

“Oh please, don’t act like that wasn’t the best thing that ever happened for you two. You guys were sleeping together long before Lex and I even kissed.”

“That may be true, but it was still a dick move.” Raven emphasizes her point by pointing her glass at Clarke and Lexa.

Lexa chuckles. She remembers the first time she caught Anya and Raven in the act and then had to tell Clarke, which resulted in them agreeing to take joint therapy because it was horrific what Lexa walked in on. Clarke was damaged by association and Lexa’s very descriptive details. They never went.

The group sit in comfortable silence, just listening to the crickets chirp. Lexa feels a pang in her chest. She knows she’s suppose to be fighting, not giving up. But she can’t help but in this moment feel like the group won’t have moments like these anymore. It’ll all be gone soon.

She looks over at Anya and realizes she’s not the only one who had been thinking that. She watches Anya wipe at her eye quickly before anyone would notice. She has never seen Anya cry before and just that little glimpse alone breaks her heart.

Part of her wishes they had all never met her. Because then she could save them from this inevitable pain. She wants nothing more than to take away all their suffering. But she’s only one woman. Besides, if they hadn’t met her they wouldn’t have the funny and heartfelt memories that they have together.

After awhile, everyone heads home, leaving Clarke and Lexa by themselves. They don’t talk much, just silently cleaning the kitchen together. After awhile Clarke speaks.

“We got an invitation to their wedding in the mail.” Clarke says as she puts a plate Lexa had just dried into the cupboard.

“Yeah?” Clarke nods her reply.

“Hmm.” Lexa hums not really wanting to answer the question Clarke is asking.

Clarke sighs deeply. “They need to know, Lex. We need family, all our family at this time.” Lexa furrows her brow, but she continues drying the dish then hands it over to Clarke.

“Can I think about it?” She asks, hoping that’s enough of a compromise. Clarke sighs once more but nods her head.

//

“Okay so quick lesson on music. Stick with the classics. The Rolling Stones, Sex Pistols, The Cramps. Then venture into some Shins, Death Cab, Iron and Wine.” Lexa is sitting in her car, down the street from her house with a camera pointed at her on the dash. She’s coming back from a long day at work and decided to give her future son a music lesson.

“Try to avoid all music that makes you wanna…set yourself on fire.” She chuckles a little.

“90’s rap! The golden age of rap music. Listen to all of it honestly, there’s not one artist I can pick because it was all so good.” She pauses and looks around at her neighborhood for a second.

“Your mom and I agree on most music, except she’s got a thing for show tunes. It’s a secret though, but I know for a fact she’ll try to push it on you just like she attempted to do to me. If you hear her start to sing, ‘ _Some enchanted evening, you and me_ …’ turn and run the opposite direction otherwise you’ll have South Pacific running out of your nostrils.” Lexa throws her head back laughing at the memory of Clarke trying to pretend she wasn’t a musical fan but then going full fangirl when they went and saw South Pacific.

“Uh..The Temps! The Temptations. Hands down, cannot lose with them…” Lexa looks out her window and notices a cop car driving by. The cop in the passenger seat looking at her like she’s crazy.

Lexa rolls her eyes and throws her hands up in the air. “What next?” She says to herself and the camera sarcastically before turning it off. She figures that’s her sign that it’s time to head home.

She makes it home and looks around at the house. Clarke’s car was in the driveway so she knows she’s home. She makes her way upstairs so she can charge her camera. As she nears their bedroom door, she hears the distinct sound of the most personal video she’s made for their son thus far, being played.

//

Clarke hadn’t expected her computer to die when she was typing an important email to her latest client. She was on a time limit and remembered Lexa’s laptop in their bedroom charging. She races upstairs and finds it exactly where she thought it would be.

When the screen comes alive she sees many video clips organized in a folder titled ‘For My Son’. She contemplates whether she should watch some of these clips for a second but then remembers she has a deadline. She logs into her email and send the important mail to her latest client. After that panic is over she exits it out and it’s back onto the screen with the video clips.

She decides to pick one at random because of the scenery. It looks like it was filmed in a field somewhere. It looks beautiful. She clicks play and sits on their bed.

It’s just Lexa on the screen. Her beautiful wild brunette mane blowing in the wind. She’s wearing one of her light jackets. Her eyes are sparkling green, even from a slight distance.

“Alright now, this uh this is a little bit of a delicate subject.” Clarke furrows her brow, wondering who Lexa is talking to.

“But, someday…your mom may want to get married again.” It’s then that Clarke realizes Lexa is talking to their unborn son. She feels the tears start to well as Lexa continues.

“And this might make you feel a little strange, or maybe even a little angry like she maybe is being a little disloyal to me. Well, let’s think this over.” Lexa looks to appear to be thinking about the subject she’s talking about for a second before she continues. “Your mom is a pretty wonderful person. She’s funny and nice and pretty and smart. She married me didn’t she?” Lexa smirks and chuckles a little. Clarke feels her heart start to constrict.

“And she might also get lonely. And maybe she’ll meet somebody, a really nice somebody and you really like them and they play baseball with you and take you to Laker games…” It’s at that moment that she hears the door open and sees a tense Lexa looking at her. She ignores her wife and turns back to the screen, wanting to hear what Lexa has to say.

“And don’t worry about me being jealous cause…well I might be a little jealous cause they’ll be doing all the things I wanna do with you. But if they’re smart, they won’t ever try to take my place because you know and I know, that i’m your mom. And that’s never gonna change, ever.”

“I’m not saying this is ever going to happen for sure, i’m just saying if it happens, I wanted you to know how I feel. I mean…we both want your mom to be happy. Don’t we?” It’s then that Lexa closes the laptop, Clarke can see her jaw tensing. Clarke has tears running down her cheeks as she looks at Lexa. Uncertain why she couldn’t say these things to her?

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Clarke sniffs. Lexa just shrugs, her head down not looking at Clarke.

“I couldn’t.” Lexa chokes out.

Clarke sighs. “Well I wish I could tell you that I love it. That I admire what you’ve done. But mostly I…it just really hurts me, Lexa. I know maybe it shouldn’t but it does.” Clarke’s voice comes out shaky from the steady tears streaming down her face. She stands up from the bed and paces around.

She turns around to study Lexa. She still has her head down, still clenching her jaw.

“Why can’t you tell me these things? Why is it that you can tell all of this to a camera? You can open your heart to a machine? I’m flesh and blood. I’m here for you anytime!” Clarke cries. Lexa looks up at Clarke finally and bites her lip.

“Your silence isn’t protecting me Lex…I feel like - I feel like i’ve already lost you.” Clarke whispers.

Lexa takes a step forward at this and holds her hands out. “Wh-Wh-What do you want me to say?” She asks.

“Don’t say anything, just hear me. I need you Lexa, I need you too. I can’t do this alone. I need you to be there.” Clarke cries. Lexa stares at Clarke, furrowing her brow.

“Ho-How can I be there?” She asks.

“Let me inside. Share what you’re feeling.” Clarke says, “That’s all I need.” She whispers. Lexa stares at her then slowly nods her head.

//

Lexa is running. Sprinting from something. It’s dark and foggy. She can’t really see. She feels the impending doom encroaching her. She continues to run in the dark until she feels herself trip. She falls down and a bright light begins coming at her at full speed…

Lexa shoots up in bed, sweating and tries to crawl off the bed, thinking she’s still running. She falls and then hears Clarke’s voice, still slightly laced with sleep.

“Hey it’s okay it’s okay.” She feels Clarke’s arms circle around her shoulders to hold her. Lexa’s trying to control her breathing. She’s attempting to find the words for what she is feeling.

“It’s okay, i’m here. I got you. It was just a bad dream.” Clarke soothes. Lexa swallows, thinking maybe it wasn’t a bad dream but a premonition.

She rests her head on Clarke’s chest and she finally finds the words.

“I don’t wanna die.” She clutches onto Clarke’s shirt.

“Don’t let me die, Clarke.”


	5. I Know Where I Want To Go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa wants to fight harder than ever. Even if it takes her to unlikely places.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another day, another chapter. I'm sure there will be another one later tonight.
> 
> This one isn't too heavy, maybe the end of it. But overall it's not too bad.

She had told Clarke after their first appointment, that Mr. Green was a quack. That he didn’t know what he was talking about. But if she were honest with herself, it terrified her how right he was. And right now, she’s desperate. She wants to live. She wants to meet her son. She wants to stay with Clarke. She just wants to stay, period.

So that’s why she’s making her way back up these creaky stairs in this run down building. To fight. To live.

  
“To tell you the truth, i’m surprised you came back.” Mr. Green says. Lexa is laying with her back on the table once again. Mr. Green is pressing on certain pressure points in her foot.

“If you wanna know the truth…so am I.” She says. She can’t explain it, but she feels a lot more relaxed this time. More open to whatever Mr. Green is going to try. She’ll take anything at this point.

“A lot of people come here once and they never come back. Then I don’t see them again.” Mr. Green says, making his way up to look at Lexa.

“Well, my wife talked me into it.” She lies. She’s not completely comfortable yet with admitting she’s desperate.

“Well, she’s a very good woman.” Mr. Green smirks, clearly seeing through Lexa’s lie. Of course he would know she’s lying.

“She definitely is. She’s one of the good ones. That’s why I married her.” Lexa smiles.

“It’s not always right to find goodness in other people, sometimes you have to find it in yourself.” He says pointedly. He reaches down to press on her chest. “Just relax.”

Lexa takes a deep breath and once again stares at the ceiling. After a few moments she feels and sees that surge of light. This time she doesn’t jump from it. As it gets closer though, she starts to panic and jumps from the table.

“What is that? What are you doing to me?” Lexa questions. She actually would like an answer for that.

“That was good. I got some of the poison out. I can see more clearly now. But your anger is still deep and really old.” Mr. Green says. Lexa furrows her brow, not really grasping what he’s trying to say.

“Have you been talking to my wife?” She questions, her feet dangling from the table as she sits up.

“I don’t talk to anybody. I just listen to your heart. If you listen to it, then you will not need me.” He says like it’s the most simple answer in the world.

Lexa turns away, staring at the floor. Mr. Green continues.

“Your heart is crying out. Forgive.” He states. Lexa wracks her brain. What is he talking about?

“Forgive who? I don’t have anybody to forgive?” She questions.

Realization then hits her. Her parents, her brother. Forgiveness.

//

“Okay here we are on an airplane, about to head to the picturesque town of Polis.” Lexa moves the camera from the window and turns it around to both her and Clarke.

“Now do you know why we are flying 2,000 miles across the country? Well let me turn it over to your mom and she will explain why. Mom?” Lexa moves back behind the camera and points it at Clarke who is grinning.

“Tell your kid why we’re going back to the one place I tried to get away from.” Lexa states. Clarke smirks at her from behind the camera then looks into the lens.

“Because, your uncle Lincoln is getting married and he invited us to come.” Lexa rolls her eyes, knowing that her future son won’t see it.

“Because this video would be incomplete without showing you where your mother is from.” Lexa nods her head.

“Right.” She drags out the word a little. Now we’re getting somewhere.

“Because your mother needs to see her family….what? Do you want more?” Clarke looks at Lexa from behind the camera. Lexa moves the camera so she’s back in front with Clarke.

“See?” She smirks, then turns off the camera. She looks over at Clarke and the two lock eyes for a moment. Then Lexa leans over to place a lingering kiss on Clarke’s mouth. Clarke parts her lips in order to deepen the kiss, Lexa obliges. They only pull away when they both are struggling for air.

Lexa stares deeply into Clarke’s darken blue eyes. She gets the overwhelming sensation of genuine warmth. She doesn’t ever want to lose this feeling. She doesn’t ever want to leave this behind.

Clarke breaks the intense silence between them. “I really really love you.” She whispers.

Lexa smiles. “You’re alright I guess.”

//

Lexa decides she wants to film her first childhood home. She figures it’d be nice to show her son where she started out at. Clarke decides to tag along, since she had never been to that childhood home in all the years they’ve been together. The two drive around their rental car as Lexa tries to remember what exact street it was on.

“I think it was on Maple. It’s a tiny brick house. I believe it was 302?” Lexa drives as Clarke holds the camera up, shooting the multiple streets.

“Oh! There it is. 305 not 302.” She pulls over in front of the house. It looks different but also the same. There’s more landscaping that has been done. But overall, it looks exactly like Lexa remembered. She had lived in that house up until she turned 14. It was a tiny home, in a not so nice neighborhood, but she has some great memories from it.

She steps out of the car and grabs the camera from Clarke who decided to remain in the car. Their baby currently giving her a bad case of heartburn. She films the front of the house for a second then turns off the camera. She decides on a whim that she wants to look inside. She gives Clarke a signal to hold on for a minute, and jogs up to the doorstep.

She rings the doorbell, and looks around. No answer. She decides to go check out the backyard. She walks to the gate and opens it. She looks at the side door, remembering all the 4th of July’s she raced out of the door to meet her neighborhood friends to watch fireworks. She grins at the memory.

She looks at the backyard and it looks incredibly small. There’s the old brick shed that matches the brick on the house. Plastic patio furniture. The same clothes line strung up. The back gate leading into the alley she use to run away to.

She takes out her camera and begins to silently film the backyard. She doesn’t really have words. She then remembers the misplaced brick on the corner of the house. She walks over and removes it and chuckles, the stuff she had hidden is still there. Even after all these years.

She takes out an old butterfly knife she had hidden. A pack of cigarettes she never smoked. A folded up piece of paper. A deck of old cards. Her father’s old watch she stole. She takes the note and unfolds it. She then begins laughing hard. It was her first confession to herself that she was gay. She remembers writing it after a girl down the street had kissed her briefly. She was such a gay disaster then. Some would argue she probably still is.

It’s then that the people she assumes are the owners are back from wherever they were. It’s a woman and her young daughter. They’re holding grocery bags and looking at her curiously.

“Hello.” The woman speaks first.

“Hi uh. I’m sorry to just barge in here. But I use to live here. I spent the first fourteen years of my life here and I felt like checking it out again.” She tries a smile to show them she’s not a complete psycho.

The woman smiles and gestures with her head for Lexa to come inside.

Lexa makes it inside and yeah the house is definitely a lot smaller than she remembered. The outdated kitchen was still in tact. The living room tiny. She sees the short flight of stairs and remembers the little cubby in her room she use to hide in.

“Do you mind?” Lexa asks the woman, gesturing up the stairs. She smiles warmly and nods her permission. Her young daughter grabs Lexa’s hand to drag her up the stairs. They go into Lexa’s old room and Lexa smiles.

It’ s now filled to the brim with stuff animals and dolls. A double bed in the middle. The walls are now pink.

“Wow. I use to sleep in here. Except the walls were white and I had a twin bed the whole time. I had my bed right up against this window.” Lexa gestures to the young girl where her bed use to be. The girl smiles.

The girl grabs Lexa’s hand and drags her over to the old cubby.

“Ahhh, this use to be my old secret hiding place.” She smiles as the girl opens the door. Lexa looks inside and sees it’s all decorated. She had never decorated it. But she did carve her name into one of the wooden panels.

She has a flashback to a memory of when she had hid in there when she was 6.

_Lexa had her head down as she brings her knees up. She had wanted a circus for her birthday and she really believed she was going to have one so she invited her entire class to her backyard for said circus. Needless to say, when her friends got there, they were disappointed._

_The door to the cupboard opens and her very tall father peeks in._

_“Alexandria what are you doing in there? What’s all this commotion about a circus?” He had asked._

_Lexa looked up disappointed, “Nothing…I didn’t do anything.” She had replied._

_“Are you lying to me?” He had asked pointedly._

_Lexa had gotten mad at this. “You’re the liar. You told me that you were going to take us to the circus, you promised.”_

_He father had softened, “No Alexandria, I-I did not promise, I said I would try.”_

_“You promise things and you never do them!” She had said angrily._

_“What is it that you want Alexandria? Do you want food on the table? People have to work.” He had raised his voice._

_“That’s all you ever do, you always work and you’re never ever home and you never do anything with us. I hate you!” She had then grabbed the rope attached to the door and slammed it shut._

//

“I’ve never heard that story before, how come you never told me?” Clarke asks. The two are back at their hotel room now. Lexa is searching around the mini-fridge for some ginger ale for Clarke as Clarke lays on the bed.

“I totally forgot about it. I must have blanked it out or something.” She finds the ginger ale and holds it up to Clarke. Clarke nods and she tosses it to her.

“Can you imagine? I invited my entire class to a circus in my backyard. Why would I do something like that?” She chuckles.

“Maybe for attention.” Clarke suggests. Lexa stands and sits on the bed with Clarke. She begins to massage her feet.

“Yeah maybe. But I mean, I really thought it’d be there. I thought i’d go home and there would be a circus there, I really believed it.” Lexa shakes her head in disbelief at her younger self.

Clarke smirks at her then begins to gently sing, “ _Someday i’ll wish upon a star and wake up where the clouds are far behind me._ ” She grins. Lexa looks at her confused.

“Why are you doing that?”

“ _Where troubles melt like lemon drops and way upon the chimney tops…_ ”

“Okay okay”

“ _That’s where you’ll find me…somewhere over the rainbow._ ”

“Okay Clarke, there are people next door…you don’t want to disturb them with your screeching.” Clarke throws her head back laughing.

“You’re a believer Lex.” She says after a minute.

Lexa furrows her brow and thinks for a second. She takes the bottle of water she had got from the mini fridge and brings it to her lips.

“That’s so weird. I don’t even know who that person was.” Lexa states, staring off in the distance.

“Oh c’mon, that’s just like you.” Clarke looks at Lexa pointedly with a smirk. Lexa turns to her.

“What do you mean?”

“You’re still a ringmaster. Lexa Griffin-Woods, head lawyer at her firm. Instead of wishing for circuses you’re creating them. You got twenty rings all going at the same time. It’s actually really sweet.” Clarke smiles.

Clarke reaches out her hand to brush hair away from Lexa’s face.

“Sometimes you’re still just that little girl.” She whispers. Lexa ponders Clarke’s words. She looks up at Clarke and gives her a lopsided grin and sighs.

//

It’s later on in the evening and Lexa is standing out on their hotel suites balcony. She’s looking out into the street below, still pondering Clarke’s observation of herself. In some ways Clarke is right. She’s a believer. She has to be. Especially now.

She then looks up into the night sky. It’s then she sees it. The first star in the sky. She gets an overwhelming feeling that it’s a sign.

“Star light star bright…the first star I see tonight. I wish I may I wish I might have a wish I wish tonight.“ She takes a second to just stare at the star. To think about her wish.

“Please, just let me live long enough to see my son. That’s all i’m asking.” She whispers to herself and the one star in the sky.

She knows it’s ridiculous, to be wishing for something so grand on a star.

But she is a believer. She has to be.


	6. Wondering If I Could Come Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa tries to make peace with her family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's a longer chapter. This one deals a lot with Lexa's issues with her family. We learn a little about how her family sees her and how she sees them. Of course Lexa only scratches the surface here. This one isn't too bad, I don't think. I could be wrong though.
> 
> Expect a couple chapters tomorrow.

Clarke tries to make her way out of the car. She’s about 6 months pregnant now and it’s definitely showing. Lexa has already left the car, camera pointed at her of course. She has grown to love what Lexa is doing for their son. She still has hope that things will get better, but she loves the idea of being able to show their son Lexa’s exact personality instead having to tell him. He’ll get to experience it first hand if things happen to go south. She firmly believes it won’t though. She has to. Because imagining a world without Lexa is like a summer without the sun. The night without a moon. It doesn’t fit. It’s unnatural.

Clarke makes it out of the car and starts heading up the familiar driveway as Lexa walks backward pointing the camera at her.

“I feel fat.” Clarke says, not at all jokingly. Lexa smiles at her from behind the camera.

“You look beautiful. I might have to take you back to my hotel room to ravish you.” Lexa winks

Clarke smirks, “Don’t make promises you can’t keep.”

“Who says I can’t keep it?” Lexa cocks an eyebrow, smug smirk plastered on her face.

“Please tell me you aren’t going to keep that in your video files. Our son doesn’t need to know when we had sex.” Clarke chuckles as she watches realization dawn on Lexa that she’s still recording.

“Nah, i’m gonna add this clip to my personal file. We could also make another personal video to add later.” Lexa’s smirk turns into a cheeky grin.

“We’re in your parents driveway, stop trying to seduce me!” Clarke blushes. Lexa starts laughing hard, actually doubling over. Clarke can’t help but laugh at her wife’s antics as well. This is why she loves her. These moments right here. The way she throws her head back like a little kid when she laughs, not a care in the world. This is why she can’t imagine a world where this is no longer present.

They walk to the door and can hear the family party in full swing. Lexa glances at Clarke to give her a look. A look of ‘ _we can back out now’_ but Clarke just smiles and shakes her head. Lexa knocks on the door.

She holds up the camera, as the door opens and Lexa’s Aunt Tris opens the door. She smiles wide and looks a little shocked.

“Lexi! Oh my god! Clarke!” She lunges forward and pulls Clarke into a searing hug.

“Look who it is you guys!” Aunt Tris yells. Clarke looks at all the people in the room. Uncle Ryder, Lexa’s cousins Quint and Tristian, her other Uncle Paul, great Aunt Nia, many family friends. Everyone is here. It makes her heart swell.

Clarke notices Lexa is hanging back, just filming everyone. But she sees the small smile on her face.

“It’s Hollywood! What up cousin!!” Tristian yells.

“How often do we get a movie star up in here!” Uncle Paul yells

“Lexi give me a kiss.”

“Oh my god Clarke, look at that tummy!”

Finally Indra appears and launches herself at Lexa, Lexa hugs her, still filming. Indra then moves to Clarke and studies her and her belly. She’s absolutely beaming and grabs Clarke to pull her into a hug. Clarke sees Lexa’s father Gustus, still as tall as ever staring at Lexa, Clarke and Indra from afar. He’s smiling.

He moves over to Clarke and lifts her up slightly in a bear hug.

“Clarke you’re a mama!” He exclaims making Clarke laugh. She remembers the first time she met Gustus and how terrified she was of him, now he’s just a big teddy bear.

This is what she wanted. She knows Lexa hates how big her family is but she loves it. She grew up with just her mother, father, and one set of grandparents on her father’s side. That’s it. Being surrounded by people who love her and Lexa, makes the current situation a lot more bearable.

She does notice Gustus completely ignore Lexa, not even giving her a glance. She knows the tension there and hopes things can be resolved while they are in town.

//

Lexa continues to film the wedding shower. Her Aunt Tris constantly waving at the camera which makes her laugh. After awhile she films Clarke hilariously trying to fold napkins with her Aunts for tomorrow’s nuptials. She's failing miserably. Lexa listens into the same conversation she’s heard a million times over the years during a wedding.

“So I thought instead of having a wedding i’d be having a nervous breakdown because my husband wasn’t at the church. The best man got lost.” Her Aunt Tris explains.

“He always got lost.” Her Aunt Nia says.

Everyone starts laughing, even Clarke.

“You remember, yeah!” Her Aunt Tris exclaims.

Her Uncle Paul comes into the dining room then.

“Well I don’t know about any of you but I have a wedding to attend tomorrow. Let’s go honey it’s getting late.”

“You’re right it’s getting late. Goodbye everyone, I love you all!” Her Aunt Nia exclaims. Her Uncle Paul then turns to look at Lexa behind the camera.

“Hey Lexi, you ever come out from behind that thing?” He jokingly asks.

Lexa smiles, “Never.” She then pulls the camera to reveal her face to him. “Just kidding.” He then steps towards her and wraps her into a warm hug.

“I love you Lexi, i’ll see you tomorrow.” He places a kiss on her cheek.

  
After awhile the extended family leaves, leaving only the immediate family hanging around. She decides to break the tension with her family by asking them to introduce themselves to her future son. Of course she doesn’t tell them the reason behind it.

“Alright so… hi my name is Lincoln. Your Uncle, i’m your mom’s older brother. The one she hasn’t talked to in years.” Lexa rolls her eyes from behind the camera.

“Got that in there.” He smirks. He continues, “And this is my fiancé Octavia, Octavia Blake. Your Aunt.” Lexa zooms out a little to show Octavia sitting next to Lincoln on the couch. She’s beaming up at him.

“And over there is her mother Aurora.” Lexa pans the camera to where Aurora Blake is sitting on the couch, she smiles at Lexa and waves a little. Having seen Aurora many times over the years because of Bellamy, they’re friendly.

She hears her father start coughing loudly in his recliner, cigarette hanging out of his mouth. Lexa clenches her jaw. She pans over to her father.

“This is my dad. Your grandfather. Gustus Woods.” She notices her father of course falling asleep. “Dad wake up!” He opens his eyes, confused. “Wave away that smoke and say hello.” Lexa says. He turns and looks at the camera with his eyebrow furrowed.

“Hello?” He says, absolutely confused. Lexa can’t help but laugh at the pure bewilderment on her father’s face.

She shakes her head and then pans over to the other recliner where her mother is sitting, reading a book.

“Okay, this is Indra. This is my mom. Come on Indra, say something if you can.” Lexa says. zooming in a little on her mother’s face.

“I’ve got nothing to say.” She sternly looks at the camera. She then tries to peek behind it to look at Lexa. “Stop hiding behind that thing. Let us see you. Turn it off already.” Lexa raises her eyebrows, trying to challenge her.

“Turn it off.” She says more sternly, Lexa obliges.

//

They make it back to the hotel room a little later. She let Clarke do more of the talking. Her father virtually ignored her pretty much the whole night. Her mother just gave her nice pleasantries, mostly doting all over Clarke, which was understandable. Lexa actively tried to keep a safe distance from Lincoln, still frustrated with the situation with Octavia.

“Ugh, my back is killing me.” Clarke says as they enter the suite. Lexa starts to massage her shoulders, guiding her to the bed.

Lexa sighs as she helps Clarke remove her shoes. She shakes her head.

“It’s so weird. The smartest thing I ever did was leave here.” Lexa says absentmindedly.

“They really do love you though. I know they don’t show it, but you can feel it deep down.” Clarke lays back on the bed. Lexa shrugs.

“I just don’t get it. He was 23 years old, she was 17. He was an adult, she was a teenager. I still just don’t get how they sided with him.” Lexa shakes her head in disbelief.

“It’s their life, Lexa. Clearly they fell in love. They waited a long time to actually get married.” Clarke tries. Lexa shakes her head.

“It’s such a waste though. Lincoln had so many things going for him, now he’s stuck in the stupid junk business with our dad because he ran away from a rightful confrontation.” She walks to the bathroom to splash water on her face.

“Oh stop. You’re here to make peace. It’s been years, just accept them. Wouldn’t you rather they end up together than him dumping her and fulfilling yours and Bell’s fears that he was using her?” Clarke turns her body to study Lexa at the sink.

Lexa stares at her for a second, then turns to start brushing her teeth. She stares at herself in the mirror for a minute, contemplating Clarke’s words. Maybe she is being harsh, it has been years and they’re still together. She knows deep down that Lincoln's relationship with Octavia isn't the real issue. In reality she felt abandoned when he took off to go back to Polis. They use to talk about getting out all the time as kids, but Lexa knew deep down Lincoln wasn't going to stay in Los Angeles with her. So she blamed his relationship with Octavia, Bellamy helping fuel that rage.

//

The wedding is beautiful. Lexa sat in the pew of the church texting Bellamy a play by play. Knowing that deep down, he would have liked to have been present at Octavia’s wedding. Clarke films the whole thing on her camera for her. Lexa decides she’ll show Bellamy the wedding footage. The two exchange their own vows and Lexa can’t help but feel a little bit of happiness for them.

The reception was everything a Woods party is suppose to be. Lots of drinking. Lots of dancing. A LOT of dancing. She films most of it. Stopping a few times to slow dance with Clarke, just like they had done on their wedding day. About a couple hours into the reception Lincoln went for his own peace offering. Lexa was filming a dancing circle that started when Lincoln went out as a lone wolf in the circle to dance. After dancing for a little he went in front of Lexa and asked her to dance. She refused at first but eventually relented by handing her camera to Clarke.

Her and Lincoln did stupid dance routines that they had made up when they were kids. She will admit, it felt good to do these idiotic things with her brother again. It felt good to bond like this again. She looks out into the crowd who is cheering them on and sees her father beaming with pride at the two of them, her mother wiping her eyes. She then sees Clarke, holding the camera with a wide grin on her face. After awhile Lexa tires out and needs Lincoln to help hold her up, she laughs off the exhaustion though, not wanting to alarm anyone.

  
After the reception it’s late at night. The immediate family returning back to Lexa’s parents house. She decides to film some of Indra’s stories. Her parents being in a better mood because of the wedding and watching Lexa and Lincoln dance together. She decides to make her mother tell the story of when Lexa was born.

“No I said 4 tornadoes, not 12. The day that you were born there were 4 tornadoes. One in TonDC and the other 3 here in Polis. No one was killed. You exaggerate things.” Clarke comes into frame giving drinks to her mother and father then sits next to her mother.

“Yeah but you said…you said. Alright but you did say I was a born disaster. I mean that’s a quote.” Lexa smirks at her mother.

“Oh, when you were four, yes! You were a holy terror.” Indra exclaims, Clarke laughs.

“How about when I was ten?” Lexa quirks her eyebrow.

“You were different at ten.” Indra softens. “You use to disappear for hours into the basement. You use to run around with those hoodlums…” Gustus interrupts Indra.

“We never saw you.” He states firmly. Lexa furrows her brow.

“Why, what happened? Why did I disappear?” She asks, genuinely curious.  
  
Gustus sighs and takes a deep breath.

“You..uh…You were ashamed of us by then. You hid everything from us.” He says. Lexa clenches her her jaw, glad she isn’t in front of the camera right now.

“You never brought your friends home. One time your mother came to your school to talk to your teacher. You pretended not to know her. Not to know your own mother? She cried for two days.” Gustus says sternly, he then grabs his pack of cigarettes out of his shirt pocket. Indra throws her head back.

“C’mon Gus. Now’s not the time.” Indra tries. Lexa certainly wasn’t expecting this conversation to take place tonight.

Lexa takes a deep breath. “Well what do you think? Why do you think I did that?” She asks, already getting frustrated.

Indra holds out her hand to stop the inevitable argument that was about to break out. “Now it was a long time ago. Leave it alone.” She turns to Gustus pointedly. He finishes lighting his cigarette and ignores Indra.

“You always thought that you were too good for us. That was your problem.” He says smugly, taking a drag of his cigarette. He sits up and instead of looking at Lexa he turns his attention to the lens of the camera.

“I think your kid should know that his mother was too good for her own family. That the first chance she got, she ran away. She stops talking to her brother…” Lexa turns off the camera and her father stops talking.

Lexa clenches her jaw. “You know what, you’re changing the subject. I’m sorry I brought it up.” She tries.

“I’m not changing anything, you’re the one who changes everything Woods.” He scoffs.

“Please dad, just forget it.” Lexa tries again.

“You change everything, you run from everything.” He continues. Lexa shakes her head and works her jaw from side to side.

“You know what, I never ran. I NEVER ran. I left. You know why? I wanted a life.” Lexa says sternly. I guess they are doing this.

“You can have a life with your family. You know if it wasn’t for your wife, and her phone calls, you’d be a dead woman to us and that’s the truth!” He yells as Indra puts her arm up to push him back down on the couch.

“What do you want me to do?! You want me to call and listen to this same stuff over and over again? Why would I - why would any rational person do that?” Lexa yells back.

“A woman who loves her family calls them.” He states taking another drag of his cigarette.

“Oh” Lexa says sarcastically.

Clarke speaks up at this point, “Gus, Lexa really does love you.”

“Not in my book.” He retorts somewhat softly towards Clarke. This enrages Lexa.

“Oh don’t tell me about love okay? You know why? Now shut up for a minute.” Gustus shifts in his seat. “I’ve lived in Los Angeles for thirteen years. You never came to see me once.” Lexa chokes not realizing she’s getting emotional, She continues, “You never saw what business I made, what kind of life I live. So don’t tell me about love.” There’s a beat of silence.

“Oh come on, you know your mother doesn’t fly.” Gustus says. Lexa shakes her head, of course making excuses.

“Trains. They have trains.” She says, wiping some stray tears from her face.

“It’s too far. I can’t ride that far.” Indra says weakly. Lexa clenches her jaw and shakes her head.

She scoffs, “See, exactly my point.” There’s another beat of tense silence.

“Maybe when the baby is born, then I…” Lexa nods her head sarcastically.

“Yeah, right…you know what forget it. It’s exactly the same shit. It’s boring.” She takes her camera off the tripod and moves it back into her bag as an intense silence falls over the family. It’s then Lexa realizes Lincoln and Octavia heard the whole fight. She shakes her head.

“How do people’s lives turn into this?” She mutters to herself.

//

Lexa is on the old swing set in her parents backyard. Lincoln swinging next to her. The two have been sitting in silence, not really knowing what to say to one another.

Lincoln finally turns to look at Lexa.

“I gotta tell you something Lex. I love you. I really do. But you can be an arrogant stuck up asshole sometimes. You know that?” Lincoln stands up from the swings to look at her better. “You stop talking to me because I fall in love with someone you don’t approve of? What kind of bullshit is that?” Lincoln asks. Lexa is a little shocked.

“She was underage Linc, it was wrong. Bellamy had every right to want to kick your ass.” Lexa says calmly, not really having the strength to yell at him at the moment.

Lincoln shakes his head and scoffs. “She was of age. You know, you two were the only ones that had a problem with it. Her mom didn’t care, our parents didn’t care. Clarke, Raven, Anya didn’t care. It was only you two. They could all see that we fell in love, you're my sister…how could you not see that?”

“You had a life Linc. You were going to move out there with me. You could have done something with your life. Octavia could have done something with her life. Now you're stuck in the junk business with dad.” Lexa looks down at the grass shaking her head.

“It’s scrap metal. You're making it seem like you know i'm not happy. But I am. And you know I wouldn’t have lasted out there. I needed my friends back here, I needed my family. All you did was talk down about this place. Even when we were kids. Leaving was your dream, not mine. You changed your entire way of life when you got there. It was all about being a lawyer and making a business. Octavia is happy where we live. Some people want to leave Los Angeles you know?” Lincoln says exasperatedly.

“It’s junk. It’s always been junk.” Lexa mutters, completely ignoring everything else, because she knows it's not the real issue. Lincoln shakes his head and steps forward towards Lexa.

“See this is where you and I are different. You always hated dad for being a junk man, I always loved him for being a hard worker. That’s the difference.” Lexa stands up and rolls her eyes.

“I never said I hated him.”

“Yes you have, Lex. You have.” Lincoln stares at Lexa. He softens his resolve for a minute. “Okay let’s forget the semantics for a second. He’s your dad for gods sake. You use to bounce up and down on his knee. You rode the train together to TonDC, I remember because you use talk about that all the time as a kid. How he took you on the Polaris car. Just the two of you. I still remember the look in your eye. What happened to that look, Lex?” Lincoln looks at her, questioning in his eyes.

Lexa stares at the grass some more. Not knowing how to answer his question. Cause she really doesn’t know.

“I don’t know.” She whispers. Lincoln nods.

“You know it’s funny, for all your complaining about dad, i’m getting the sense that you’re gonna turn out to be exactly like him.” This hits Lexa hard. Not because she’d be absolutely ashamed to turn out to be like her father, but because it implies she’d get the time to turn out to be like him. She realizes now that she hasn’t told any of her family.

“Anyways, I need to go pack. I’m leaving for my honeymoon in half an hour.” Lexa looks up at Lincoln and goes over to him. She can’t find any words though. Lincoln notices her struggling with something so he wraps his arms around her. Lexa melts into his embrace. She’s lingers in the hug, expecting it’ll probably be the last time she gets this.

They pull away and Lincoln studies her face.

“You gotta show it to them too, Lex.” Lincoln says as he begins walking backwards into the house.

“Maybe someday.” Lexa says. Lincoln shrugs.

“They’re not gonna be around forever, kid.”

//

Lexa and Clarke sit on their flight. This isn’t what she thought her trip back home would be. Clarke holds her hand as Lexa leans her head back in the seat. She feels a pang in her heart as she looks over past Clarke to the window. Watching as they fly further and further away from her hometown.

This isn’t what was suppose to happen at all.

“I blew it.” Clarke turns her head towards Lexa.

“I didn’t resolve anything.” Lexa finally looks from the window to Clarke. She has nothing but sympathy in her eyes.

“Are you alright?” Clarke whispers for only Lexa to hear.

Lexa sighs and gives Clarke a sad smile.

“This was my last trip home.” She watches Clarke clench her jaw and feels her give her hand a reassuring squeeze.

She blew it.


	7. Think I Was Blind Before I Met You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa takes Mr. Green's advice to heart. She continues with more filming and reaches a huge milestone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lots of sweet Clexa moments in this chapter. Seriously, it'll make your cheeks hurt at how cute they are.
> 
> I think overall this is one of the lighter chapters. The ending is pretty heavy though, I may or may not have gotten a lump in my throat while writing it.
> 
> Your comments are appreciated very much, I love reading them!

After the disaster that was going back to her hometown, Lexa decides to once again return to Mr. Green. She hates to admit it, but she is starting to believe he can help her. That he knows more about her than she thinks. She is also in despair as time continues to pass. She’s starting to not feel as good as she was, reminding her that she is ,in fact, still sick. It’s making her lose her resolve.

“It’s not getting any better.” Lexa states to Mr. Green as he presses on a point in her stomach. She knows she was suppose to make things right with her family, and she blew it. Her anger is still pressing on her heart. And she knows Mr. Green can feel it.

“You don’t have to tell me. I can see it. It’s still there.” He says, a little somberly.

He moves his hands to hover over her body, making delicate circles over her lungs.

“What can you see?” Lexa asks.

“The anger. The fear. You’re not being a very good student. Life is trying to teach you. But you’re not listening. Opportunities come, and you don’t see them.” He shakes his head a little, but continues with his work.

For some reason this strikes a cord with Lexa, she starts to get angry. She just wants to be a little better. “What are you talking about? I did exactly what you said. I went to Polis. I went 2,000 miles. I saw my parents, my brother.” She scoffs.

He smiles warmly at her. “I didn’t tell you to see your family. I just said that you needed to forgive. There is only one place that you need to go.” Lexa stares at him.

“Where?” She whispers.

“Your heart, Lexa.” He nods his head. Lexa closes her eyes.

“Great. My heart…how does one exactly get there?” She opens her eyes.

He grabs her left hand and brings it up to him. He outstretches her pointer finger.

“Feel into the center of your chest.” He starts to bring her pointer finger towards her chest, but not touching it. “Feel your finger pushing into it deeper and deeper.” He brings it closer and closer, until her pointer finger is pressing onto her chest, her heart.

“When you start to feel happy. When you start to feel a sense of wellbeing. You are there.” He says.

Lexa stares at him and he continues. “That is the place of love and forgiveness. Go there.” He smiles at her. “Soon.”

//

Lexa is laying in bed next to Clarke as she plays the South Pacific soundtrack to her belly. Lexa is closing her eyes, trying to push on her chest with her finger. She knows she probably looks crazy, looks desperate, but at this point she really doesn’t care. She doesn’t care anymore.

After awhile she stops and turns over to look at Clarke. She’s silently lip-syncing the words to the soundtrack and Lexa can’t help but smile at her. Clarke turns her head to look at Lexa and she smiles at her too.

“You’re really going to push musicals on our kid huh?” Lexa smirks. Clarke’s smile grows into a cheeky grin.

“South Pacific is good.” Clarke says. Lexa just shakes her head with a smile.

“I wonder what Raven would do if she knew you love musicals.”

“Oh she knows. We went and saw Mamma Mia our junior year of High School. She can’t make fun of me though because she was literally standing the whole time singing every word.” Lexa laughs hard at the image.

“Can I use that piece of information?” She asks, Clarke shakes her head.

“Nope. I gotta pull the wife card on that one. She’d murder me if she found out I told you that.” Lexa moves her hand to Clarke’s protruding belly.

“True. It’d be a shame to lose that pretty face of yours. I guess i’ll keep it to myself.” She grins. She watches something flicker in Clarke’s eyes but it’s gone before she can ask what’s wrong.

“I’m painting the room tomorrow. We agreed on the galaxy theme right?” Clarke changes the subject. Lexa nods her head.

“What about names?” Lexa asks. She watches Clarke go wide eyed. Probably surprised that Lexa is interested. She did spend the beginning trying to push it all away so she doesn’t blame her for being a little skeptical.

“Hmm…Zack?” Clarke suggests, Lexa cringes.

“No. I knew a guy named Zack. I was on the monkey bars at school and my mother forced me to wear a dress for picture day, he looked up my dress so I punched him in the face. No son of mine will be named Zack.” Clarke starts laughing.

“How old were you?!” She laughs.

“About 7 I believe. I got in trouble for busting his lip open.” Lexa shrugs as Clarke continues to laugh.

“Benjamin?” Lexa suggests, Clarke shakes her head adamantly.

“No way. My first kiss was with a guy named Ben and it was so bad.” Lexa shakes her head and chuckles.

“Babe, I don’t think we can not pick names based on the terrible boys we knew.” Lexa says. Clarke laughs.

“That’s true.” There’s a moment of silence as the two think.

“Prometheus!” Lexa exclaims jokingly. Clarke just throws her head back laughing.

“Julius!” Clarke retorts back.

“Nero!” Lexa laughs. Clarke sets her iPhone on the side table and leans over to kiss Lexa.

“Zeus.” Clarke says against her lips and Lexa giggles.

“Oh yeah that has a ring to it.” She says before kissing Clarke again.

“Auggie.” Clarke says in between kisses as Lexa makes her way towards her neck. She feels the vibrations of her laugh against it, making her shiver.

“Troy.” Lexa whispers as she begins leaving a trail of love bites down Clarke’s neck and chest.

“Hmmm.” Clarke hums, losing interest in the name game.

“Morton.” Lexa says against the valley of her breasts. Clarke can’t help but laugh at that.

“That’s a terrible name.” She giggles. Lexa looks up at her and hovers above her. The two look into each other’s eyes and Lexa knows exactly what they should name their son. After a man they both loved.

“Jake.” Lexa whispers. She watches Clarke’s mouth go agape and tears start to well in her eyes. She answers Lexa by pulling her down into a passionate kiss.

Clarke starts to lift up Lexa’s shirt and Lexa pulls away from the kiss.

“You sure you want to do this?” Lexa whispers. Clarke nods her forehead against Lexa’s.

“You’re an amazing woman, you know that?” Lexa says and Clarke grins.

“I have to be when i’m living with you.” Clarke jokes. Lexa raises her eyebrows.

“Am I really that difficult?” Lexa asks. Clarke’s grin grows wider.

“Some things you don’t wanna know.” Clarke jokes. Lexa shakes her head and leans down to kiss Clarke passionately once more.

//

From there Lexa throws herself into preparing for their son, Jake. They went to visit Abby to ask her permission to name him that and she of course cried and agreed. She continued doing the exercise that Mr. Green had told her to do. She doesn’t know if it’s working, she hopes it is.

Clarke has been in a lot better mood now that Lexa is 100% present. Even scolding Lexa for pretty much buying the entire toy store.

“Lex! It’s going to be a long time before he can even pick up a metal baseball bat!” Clarke had yelled when she came into their home with a good 50 bags of toys.

Lexa takes her camera and sets it up on the tripod to film herself teaching basketball.

“Okay, your mom isn’t very athletic. Although you’d never know it by looking at her. She hates anything to do with physical activity. But she’ll be the biggest cheerleader you’ve ever seen, let me tell you.”

She moves to set up her shot at the basketball hoop outside.

“Please, I cannot stress enough to follow your shot. Once you get in,” She moves up to box her shot, “box out…what do you do, you pump, fake right, then you get a foul.” She does the move to no one.

“Alright we got a lot of work to do. I gotta teach you how to box out the man for a rebound.” And she does just that.

She then makes Clarke film her teaching a cooking lesson.

“Alright, cooking spaghetti. Boil some water, salt it, maybe a little olive oil.” Clarke giggles from behind the camera.

“What?” Lexa asks.

“Nothing, you’re just silly.” Clarke grins.

“Whatever, ignore your mom. Then you need to slide the noodles in. You want them soft, but not too soft.” She moves to grab more noodles.

“Now cooking in college…” She moves to a small singular pot. “It’s probably going to be on one pot.” She breaks the noodles apart and Clarke giggles again. Lexa just throws them in and starts to stir.

“There ya go, babe.” Lexa grins cheekily.

She then attempts her hand at teaching her son how to shave. Never mind the fact that she definitely doesn’t have a beard.

“Okay, obviously I am a girl so shaving my face isn’t something i’ve ever had to do. But i’ve watched your Grandpa Woods and Uncle Lincoln shave many many times so i’m going to attempt this lesson, by using your Uncle Bell.” Bellamy looks up at Lexa, totally unamused.

“I’ve been working on this scruff for two months now.” He pouts.

“Oh stop pouting, do it for your nephew!” Lexa exclaims. She begins to lather up his face with shaving cream as Bellamy continues to pout.

“Alright there are basically two schools of shaving your face.” She grabs the razor and Bellamy starts to move away.

“Bell, stop!” Lexa grabs him by the shoulders to hold him still. “Clarke! Get in here and hold Bellamy still!” Lexa yells from the bathroom. She hears Clarke laugh and then appear.

“This is my favorite thing ever.” Clarke laughs and moves around Bellamy to hold his shoulders.

“Alright now that your Uncle is being subdued by a pregnant lady, let’s start.” Lexa grabs the razor again and starts back up where she left off.

“Okay you can either go down…” She starts moving the razor down on Bellamy’s cheek, making three strokes. “Like that. Or, you can go upwards, like that…” She moves to Bell’s other cheek to demonstrate the movement. “But never, I repeat never, side to side…” She moves to make the movement by Bellamy’s cheek and he squeals.

“Don’t actually do it!!” He yells. Lexa laughs.

“I wasn’t going to you big baby!” Lexa says. Clarke laughs, trying to hold him still.

Clarke leans down to Bellamy, “You know Gina is paying her 50 bucks to do this?”

Bellamy frowns, “She told me she liked it!” Clarke and Lexa burst out laughing.

//

Raven and Anya suggest something absolutely ridiculous to Lexa. Go to Six Flags to ride the rollercoasters. Lexa has only been on a rollercoaster once. Back in their sophomore year of college and she screamed bloody murder the whole time and actually managed to fracture Clarke’s hand by squeezing it so hard.

“Carpe Diem! When you’re dying aren’t you suppose to be doing shit you wouldn’t normally do?” Raven says as they walk through the amusement park.

“I honestly believe this will kill me quicker if you guys make me go on it.” Lexa deadpans, staring at the monster rollercoaster.

“Oh my god, Lexa. This is the most tame rollercoaster in this park.” Anya says.

“Maybe we could let her start out on the Tilt-A-Whirl?” Clarke suggests while eating cotton candy.

“Nope! She’s going right into the core of fear! The heart of darkness!” Raven dramatically exclaims as she grabs Lexa’s hand. Lexa visibly pales.

“Clarrrrkeee!” Lexa looks at her worriedly. Clarke gives her a sympathetic smile.

“Sorry babe. I wish I could go with you.” Clarke then thinks back to Lexa fracturing her hand. “On second thought…i’m glad I have an excuse. Good look Raven!”

Raven and Anya both hook their arms around Lexa and start dragging her towards the line.

As their standing in line, a little boy, maybe no younger than 8 looks up at Lexa.

“You scared?” He asks. Lexa looks down at the young boy and feels embarrassment because she totally is.

“Pfft, no.” Lexa scoffs. Which makes Raven bark in laughter.

“It’s okay to be scared.” The little boy says.

They make it to the front of the line and choose one of the carts in the middle. Raven gets in first and Lexa follows to sit next to her. Anya sits behind them with some obnoxious teenager.

Lexa’s heart is pounding out of her chest as the attendants come around to check their seat belts.

“Wow, you’re actually sweating.” Raven observes.

“It’s hot.” Lexa’s voice cracks like she’s a teenage boy going through puberty. Raven laughs.

“More like you’re a hot mess.” Anya leans forward to say to them.

The cart starts moving and they begin their descent. It’s incredibly steep.

“If I don’t die from this, i’m going to fucking kill you Reyes!” Lexa yells as Raven puts her hands up and laughs.

“C’mon Lex! Put your hands up. Do it right! Let go!” Raven yells as they start to get to the peak.

“Are you fucking crazy?!” Lexa yells back.

“You won’t fall out!”

“No way, i’m holding onto this bar!”

They get to the peak and Lexa is sure she’s going to die. They begin to drop and Lexa screams bloody murder while Raven laughs hard. They go through many swoops and loops at an intense speed and Lexa is screaming the whole time.

“How many more!?” Lexa yells because this is going on way too long.

“Plenty!” Raven laughs evilly.

More drops and swoops and finally the coaster pulls back into where they got on. Lexa still has a white knuckle grip on the bar in front of her. Raven and Anya are already unbuckled and out of their seats.

“You can let go now.” Anya smirks. Lexa glares at the two of them and removes her restraints and moves to get out.

They make their way back to Clarke who is sitting on a bench she grins at them.

“My hero!” She exclaims as she wraps her arms around Lexa.

“You wouldn’t be saying that if you saw her on that ride.” Anya snickers. Clarke rolls her eyes and Lexa glares at her.

“Alright, we’ll stop with the jokes. You did it and didn’t chicken out, we’ll give you that.” Raven says, placing a hand on Lexa’s shoulder as she continues to hold Clarke.

“Alright, let’s split up. I want to go on some more rides. Let’s meet back here in like an hour.” Raven suggests. Clarke nods her head in agreement. Lexa breathes a sigh of relief. She was slightly afraid they were going force her onto another ride.

  
Lexa and Clarke walk around the park hand in hand. Taking in the weather and fun atmosphere. Lexa decides to check her phone to see how much time they have left till they have to meet back up with Raven and Anya. When she looks at her phone, realization hits her. She stops walking and looks at Clarke wide eyed.

Clarke continues on a few paces and then realizes Lexa has stopped walking. She turns around and smiles at her in confusion.

“What’s up?” She asks.

“Do you know what day it is today?” Lexa asks her. Clarke furrows her brow and tries to think. She can’t come up with anything so she shakes her head.

“D-Day.” Lexa states. Clarke frowns, not really understanding why the World War II invasion battle is so significant to Lexa. Plus she’s fairly certain that it was not in fact that date today.

“D-Day?” Clarke asks.

“It’s death day.” Lexa states and realization hits Clarke full force. She furrows her brow at Lexa. Lexa moves forward to re-grasp Clarke’s hand. “I was suppose to be dead by today.”

Clarke wraps her arms around Lexa’s neck and pulls her into a hug, placing a chaste kiss on her neck.

“From now on i’m living on borrowed time.”


	8. The First Face That I Saw

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa and Clarke experience a once in a lifetime event.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter, woo! Overall pretty sweet chapter. Ending might make you emotional, like always.

“Okay the important thing about jumping another car is to put the cables in the right place.” Lexa has the hood of her car popped open and is holding jumper cables. She figured this would be a great lesson for her son for when he’s 16.

“Positive to positive.” She says as she places the positive cable on the positive bolt, “Negative to negative, or you can ground it here and put it on metal.” She looks back up at the camera lens.

“Now don’t go messing around with these things, they’re not toys. I mean, if you put them together it makes some pretty cool sparks…but don’t do that!” Lexa chuckles.

“Don’t goose your buddies or anything like that, just ask your Aunt Anya about the time we played Frankenstein.” Lexa just raises her eyebrows and nods her head.

//

Clarke has hit the 8 month mark. In celebration the two throw a baby shower. It’s a small occasion. Wanting to keep it chill and calm. Besides, Lexa pretty much has bought everything their child would ever need in this lifetime.

“I hope you guys just bought clothes because Lex already bought out every baby store and toy store in Los Angeles.” Clarke looks at the group surrounding her. Lexa scoffs.

“You make it seem like it was a bad thing! I’m being prepared, Clarke!” Lexa says. Everyone laughs and shakes their heads.

The group at the baby shower consists of Abby, Raven, Anya, Bellamy, Gina, an old friend from college Jasper, Nathan and his partner Bryan. Nathan works with Lexa and Bellamy.

Abby walks over to Lexa and gives her a kiss on the cheek. “I think it’s sweet.” She smiles.

“Abby is my favorite. Everyone else can leave.” Lexa deadpans. Clarke just shakes her head.

“Love you.” Clarke says sweetly, and of course Lexa’s resolve melts and she smiles.

“You’re the worst.” Lexa chuckles then makes her way to sit down next to her.

The two begin opening gifts, lots of double gifts of course, because Clarke was not even remotely joking when she said Lexa bought up entire stores.

After the gift opening the group settles in, sipping drinks. Making their own conversations.

“How are you feeling?” Abby asks Lexa. Lexa turns to her and smiles.

“I’m alright.” Lexa says. Abby nods her head.

“Are the symptoms too bad?” She asks, not in a doctor way but in a motherly way.

“Not too bad. I have some pain medicine if it starts to get unbearable. Haven’t had to use it though, which is good.” Lexa replies.

“That’s really good, Lexa. You’ve certainly proved Dr. Kane wrong.” Abby grins. Lexa smirks, she certainly did.

Clarke comes over to sit next to the two of them.

“What are you guys talking about?” Clarke studies the two of them.

“Oh, just me beating the odds.” Lexa smirks. Clarke smiles.

“You did do that.” Clarke says and places a kiss on her cheek.

“I mean honestly, did any of us expect anything less?” Jasper pipes up from across the room. Lexa realizes now everyone is tuned into this conversation.

“Yeah I mean we are talking about Lexa here. The girl who did a belly flop off a 40 foot cliff and came out of the water with blood coming out of her mouth and just goes, ‘that stung a little’.” Bellamy laughs. The room erupts in laughter at the memory.

“The girl who got locked in a closet with Raven with fireworks and lit them off so someone would open it up. I’m still shocked nothing caught on fire.” Gina says. Raven and Lexa high-five one another.

“The girl who wanted to scare Clarke by hiding on top of her car roof but forgot to actually scare her, resulting in Clarke driving while Lexa was stuck on her roof, and somehow didn’t fall off.” Anya points out. Abby turns to look at Lexa with wide eyes.

“You are a lot crazier than I thought you were.” She chuckles. Lexa just laughs and shakes her head. She’s done some crazy things when she was younger, that’s for sure.

She looks around the group of people. Her group of people. She doesn’t ever want to lose this. Not in this lifetime.

//

“Sex…” Lexa stares at the camera. And stares. And stares. She then turns it off. Nope, not going to do that conversation.

  
“Okay walking into a room. There’s a correct way and a not so correct way.” Lexa begins walking towards the camera.

“Confidence, going straight to the person, about halfway when meeting them outstretch your hand for a firm handshake.” Lexa decides to act it out.

“Oh hey, Tom, Lexa Griffin-Woods,” Lexa pretends to shake hands with the camera.

“Okay never ever, walk in like this.” Lexa goes back to where she was at and starts to timidly walk towards the camera. She then pretends like she’s lost. She then looks at the camera.

“Oh hi.” She then shakes her head sternly, “Don’t ever do that! Confidence is the key.”

//

Lexa is taking a late night shower when it happens. She’s in the middle of washing her hair when Clarke swings open the glass door.

“Lex, it’s time.” Clarke says. Lexa can’t hear her through the water.

“What?” She asks, still washing her hair.

“My water broke.” Clarke tries again.

“What?” Lexa asks again, still not being able to hear her.

“My contractions have started.”

“You contracted what?” Lexa asks.

“We’re having a baby!” Clarke yells. Lexa stops and turns around.

“Now?!” Clarke nods her head.

  
Clarke is already in the car and Lexa gets in. She then remembers something.

“Damnit!” Lexa says as she gets out of the car.

“What are you doing!?” Clarke yells.

“I forgot the camera!” Lexa says and starts running back into the house.

“Oh my god!” Clarke throws her head back on the seat exasperatedly.

  
They make it to the hospital and get into their private room. Lexa is bouncing off the walls. Clarke on the other hand…

Lexa grabs her camera and begins recording Clarke as she tries to control her breathing. She’s already sweating and has a monitor around her belly.

“That’s it. You’re doing good. That’s it, keep breathing.” She moves the camera closer to Clarke as she continues to have a contraction.

“Oh god, this hurts. Oh god.” She breathes. Lexa keeps trying to help by telling her to breathe.

“Keep going, babe. You’re doing good. But can you turn a little this way?” She asks, absentmindedly.

Clarke turns and looks at the camera dead in the lens with a glare.

“Turn that fucking thing off.” Lexa obliges.

//

They are going on hour 7 of Clarke’s labor. Clarke is sweating and already exhausted. Lexa is trying hard to keep her excitement at bay. Part of her feels like this isn’t real. She wasn’t suppose to be witnessing this. She feels like at some point she’s going to drop dead before her son is born because it feels too good to be true.

Lexa begins taking an ice cube and rubs it over Clarke’s lips. She begins moaning in pleasure.

“Ughhhh, I love you. I love you so much. I love you.” Clarke keeps repeating. Lexa uses her other hand to move some of Clarke’s sticky strands of hair out of her face.

“I love you too. You’re doing so good.” Lexa smiles. Clarke’s face contorts and Lexa realizes she’s having another contraction.

“Ugh my back ow ow ow.” Clarke cries. Lexa reaches underneath to try and massage her back.

“Okay breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe…” She keeps repeating it until Clarke grabs her by the shirt.

“Shut up!” Clarke yells.

Lexa stills. The doctor comes in at this point.

“Hey, how are we doing?” She smiles and shuts the door.

“Uh I don’t know.” Lexa says and Clarke’s doctor smiles and sits on a chair next to Clarke’s bed as Clarke rides out her contraction.

“Hey Clarke. So everything is fine, but your contractions are getting further apart, and we need them to be closer together in order to make some progress.” She says.

Lexa nods, taking in the information while she holds Clarke’s hand.

“I’d like to start Pitocin, so it’ll increase the strength and frequency of the contractions.” She says.

Lexa nods, “Good idea, great idea.” Clarke looks wide eyed.

“What? Increase? Are you crazy?!” Lexa looks at Clarke and then at the doctor.

“Yeah what are you talking about are you crazy?” Trying to agree with Clarke, she’s already pissed her off enough.

Her doctor chuckles at Lexa, “It’ll speed things along.”

Lexa nods and looks at Clarke. “It’ll speed things along babe, that’s what we want.” She places a kiss on Clarke’s sticky head. Clarke nods, seemingly accepting it.

//

Lexa feels faint. This is happening. This is really happening. A human being is about to come out of Clarke. This is happening.

She has one arm around Clarke and the other one is holding her hand as Clarke screams. Lexa’s hand feels like it might be broken. I guess it’s payback for Sophomore year. Clarke seizes the screaming and cries from the pain. Lexa kisses her head.

“You’re doing so good. I love you so much.” Lexa tries to soothe.

“Lexa, grab your camera.” Clarke’s doctor says.

“What?” Lexa asks.

“The baby is crowning. You’re about to be a parent.” It’s then Clarke starts screaming again, Lexa looks at Clarke then to a nurse.

“Can you hold her?” She asks the nurse. The nurse takes over as Lexa grabs her camera and turns it on.

“Okay Clarke, I know that this hurts. I know that it’s hard. But you can do this. One more push, and it’s done.” Clarke’s doctor says. Clarke throws her head back and takes a deep breath before she begins to push.

Lexa doesn’t even hold up the camera. She watches as Clarke pushes and she sees the head of their son come out.

“Oh woah!” Lexa breathes out, absolutely light headed with excitement. “What about…uh…you know…the rest of him?” Lexa asks nervously.

“Last time, I promise. No more after this. You are almost there.” Clarke’s doctor says. Clarke takes a second to breathe and then nods her head. She pushes herself back up with the help of nurses.

“One more, just one more. One more.” She says through gritted teeth. Clarke begins pushing.

Lexa puts her hands over her head and grins, watching in absolute amazement. She watches as her son comes fully out of Clarke. Her eyes are comically wide watching. She throws her hands around, completely forgetting about the camera in her hands that’s still recording.

She hears Clarke finally scream out from exhaustion. A beat of just Clarke’s heavy breaths, and then there it is.

Her son crying. Her son breathing. Her son born.

Lexa starts breathing deeply as Clarke’s doctor holds up their son.

“Here is your handsome baby boy.” Her son is wailing as she holds him up. Clarke starts crying in happiness. Lexa is just absolutely stunned watching the scene fold out.

The minute Clarke’s doctor gives Jake to Clarke he begins to just whine, no more wailing. Clarke holds him to her chest.

“Oh my god. Hello little one.” Clarke coos, still crying.

Lexa stares with an agape mouth, not really sure what she’s suppose to be doing.

Clarke then turns to Lexa and grins through her tears.

“We have a baby, grab your camera.” She says through a hoarse voice. Lexa looks around the room, looking for her camera. She then registers it’s in her hands already at her side.

“Oh.” She finally holds it up and starts shooting Clarke and Jake.

Lexa moves closer and closer, trying to get as close as possible but ends up bumping the camera onto Clarke’s head.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” She brings her hand up and tries to soothe the spot she hit. Clarke chuckles.

“It’s okay, you’re fine.” She says.

Lexa looks over to a nurse and outstretches her camera.”Here can you do this?” The nurse smiles and grabs the camera as Lexa puts an arm around Clarke holding Jake. She looks towards the camera with nothing but pure excitement on her face.

She then points at her son,”That’s my kid,” she then points to Clarke, “That’s my wife!” She’s beaming.

“You did great.” Clarke’s doctor says.

“Oh thanks!” Lexa says, then realizes she meant Clarke. “Oh you meant her!” She turns and gives Clarke a kiss on the head, “You hear that you did great!”

Clarke turns her head to give Lexa a kiss on the mouth. The two break apart then both stare at their beautiful son.

Lexa gets that overwhelming feeling again. This wasn’t suppose to happen. She was never suppose to meet him. Now here he is. Breathing. Alive. She got her wish. She got to meet her son. Her beautiful baby son. Her kid. Her child.

Lexa keeps her cheek on Clarke’s head as she turns to face the wall behind her head. She looks up at the ceiling, hoping that single star is watching her at this moment. She closes her eyes.

“Thank you.” She whispers.


	9. I Thought I'd Let You Know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa and Clarke begin their adventure of raising a baby.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fluff. Pure fluff this is. I don't know if i'll have another chapter out tonight, but you never know.
> 
> Keep the comments coming, I love reading them.
> 
> The song Lexa sings to Jake is called All I Have To Do Is Dream by The Everly Brothers, take a listen if you'd like.
> 
> Also I have a Tumblr so if you ever have any questions go ahead and hit me up there: cohenatwood.tumblr.com
> 
> Happy reading.

Lexa bolts up when she hears the baby monitor come alive with cries. She’s up and out of the bed before Clarke even stirs. She rushes into Jake’s room and sees that he’s no longer swaddled in his blanket.

“Shhhh, it’s okay it’s okay, i’ll fix it.” Lexa coos, as she lifts her one month old son into her arms. She notices his heavy diaper and goes to place him on his changing table.

To say Lexa is obsessed would be an understatement. She is always holding Jake, always napping with him, she hovers whenever people try to hold him until they get uncomfortable and give him back. She’s pretty positive Clarke hasn’t changed his diaper once, because Lexa is always the one who does it. She never thought she could fall in love twice, but she did the moment she laid eyes on her son.

Jake is starting to look more and more like Lexa as time passes. His hair is coming in as dirty blonde, a nice mixture of Clarke’s blonde hair and Lexa’s brunette. He’s beginning to have that subtle sun kissed skin that Lexa has. But it’s his eyes that lets everyone know how much like Lexa he’ll look as he grows. Beautiful deep green eyes, like a prehistoric, untouched forest. Lexa has never saw what the big deal was about her eyes but when she looks into her sons, she gets lost in them. And then he looks up at her, and it’s like he’s getting lost in his mother’s eyes, and he smiles and Lexa melts all over again. She helped make this. To think she almost never got a chance to meet him, can actually make her physically ill. She can’t imagine a world where them meeting didn’t happen.

Lexa finishes changing Jake and swaddles him. He had stopped crying the second he was in Lexa’s arms. Recognizing that this woman, his mother, would always make everything okay. She moves over to his rocking chair in the corner and begins lightly rocking as he looks up and stares at her in wonderment. Lexa just grins down at him and begins to hum an old tune her father use to sing to her. She then can’t help but lightly sing the words.

“ _Dreeeam. Dream dream dream. Dreeeeam. When I feel blue, in the night, and I need you, to hold me tight, whenever I want you, all I have to do, is dreeeaaaam._ ” She hears a creaking of the floor and looks up to see Clarke leaning against the door jam watching them with a smile on her lips. Lexa smiles at her and then returns her attention to Jake as he yawns and starts to flutter his eyelids shut.

Lexa continues to just hum the song and Clarke makes her way into the room and places a kiss on Lexa’s head and a kiss on Jake’s cheek before making her way back to their bedroom.

Lexa continues to hum songs to him, long after he has fallen back asleep, until she herself is asleep holding him in his rocking chair.

//

Clarke holds up the camera while Lexa burps Jake.

“C’mon buddy. I know you got a good one in there.” Lexa says while gently rubbing and patting his back.

“You’re not gonna start a burping contest with him again are you?” Clarke asks with a smirk on her face.

“Hey he enjoyed that. He smiled at me the whole time I was doing that.” Lexa says.

“I have a feeling you two are going to be trouble for me. You’re already co-conspiring with one another and he can’t even talk or sit up by himself.” Clarke laughs lightly from behind the camera when Lexa answers her with a wink.

“It’s cause we have the same eyes. We have secret conversations with one another when you’re not looking.” Lexa deadpans.

Clarke raises her eyebrows, “I actually believe that.”

It’s then that Jake finally lets out a loud burp.

“I knew you had it in you!” Lexa exclaims, Clarke giggles at her enthusiasm over a burp.

“What time is your mom coming over?” Lexa asks as she begins laying Jake down on the couch cushion to change his onsie he spit up all over.

“Like…” there’s a knock on the door, “now.” Clarke says. Clarke shuts off the camera and makes her way to the door to let her mother in.

She opens the door to reveal her mother, Raven, and Anya.

“Hi! What are you two doing here?” Clarke asks.

“Anya’s having baby fever.” Raven shrugs, Anya glares.

“The actual complete opposite actually. Raven is the one with baby fever.” Anya says. Clarke chuckles when Raven turns to look at Anya, mouth agape.

“She’s lying.” Raven says. Anya rolls her eyes.

“I actually believe Anya on this one Rae.” Clarke chuckles. Raven huffs and walks past her into the house and Anya follows, but not before leaving a squeeze on Clarke’s shoulder.

Abby laughs lightly at the couples antics.

“It’s amazing those two have been together as long as you and Lexa.” Abby says as she pulls Clarke into a hug.

“Very true.” Clarke returns the hug. Abby pulls back and studies Clarke.

“You look good. Real good.” Abby smiles.

Clarke beams, “That’s what Lex’s been saying but she always says that so I wasn’t real confident that it was showing.”

“Lexa says what she sees.” Abby smirks as she begins making her way into the house.

“She’s definitely an ego booster.” Clarke says, putting an arm around her mother’s shoulders to guide her into the living room.

“You think she’ll let me hold him today?” Abby asks, seriously. Clarke laughs.

“I had a talk with her. I told her she’s gotta stop hogging him and to not snap at anyone who asks to hold him.”

“You know, your father was the same way with you when you were born.” Abby says.

“Just when I was born?” Clarke cocks her eyebrow, remembering her father’s antics, even when she was older.

“I guess you’re right about that.” Abby chuckles. They make it into the living room, watching Raven holding back squeals as Lexa plays peek-a-boo with a spit rag, making Jake giggle as he continues laying on the couch cushion.

Clarke and Abby both break out into big toothy smiles listening to the noise. Clarke realizes this is the first time he’s actually laughed.

“Clarke grab the camera, I need this documented!” Lexa says over her shoulder.

And Clarke does just that, recording the two loves of her life giggling together.

//

Clarke is falling asleep with Jake sleeping on her chest on their couch. Lexa grabs the camera and films them.

“Geez Clarke, I thought we were gonna wait till he is a year old before we got him drunk.” Lexa jokes. Clarke opens her eyes and just shakes her head, but a small smile playing on her lips.

“Stop interrupting our beauty sleep.” Clarke says hoarsely.

“Awe, Jake doesn’t need beauty sleep.” Lexa smirks. Clarke feigns hurt.

“Asshole.” Lexa starts chuckling and shuts off the camera.

  
“Babe, he just ate, he’s going to spit up on you if you keep doing that.” Clarke says from behind the camera. Lexa keeps holding up Jake in the air then bringing him back down to place a kiss on his head.

“Nah, he’s fine. Aren’t you my sweet boy?” Lexa coos and does the action once more. As she lifts him up one more time he throws up all over Lexa. Clarke bursts out laughing and Jake begins to laugh as well.

“I can’t even be mad because you’re so cute. Unfair.” Lexa pouts.

  
“Lex, I can’t see his face, move your arm.” Clarke says behind the camera. Lexa is feeding Jake in his high chair.

“Okay…hold up.” Lexa grabs a spoonful of puree baby food and goes to put some in his mouth, but he turns his head and ends up with it all over his face.

“Oh no!” Clarke says in a mock concerned voice.

“Awe man, here let me make you feel better.” Lexa dips her finger into the baby food and starts putting it all over her face.

“You are so ridiculous!” Clarke laughs hard.

  
Lexa takes a backseat on filming advice for Jake for when he’s older. Part of her completely forgetting that she’s suppose to be dying. She decides to just film herself with her son. To document that she got to meet him. She got to love him. Hoping that it will comfort him when he gets older. That he knew her and loved her too.

He begins to crawl and Lexa almost breaks her ankle trying to grab the camera to capture it.

Clarke holds him up to help him try to start walking and Lexa beams while holding the camera as the two walk forward towards her.

It’s at seven months that he says his first word. He was babbling but Lexa swears up and down that he said ‘mama’ in the string of babbles.

It’s at nine months that he begins walking a few steps without the help of Clarke or Lexa.

It’s at ten months when he begins actually calling Clarke and Lexa mama, using it correctly.

It’s at eleven months when he can walk quite far, especially with the help of holding one of his mother’s hands. He has also added the words, ‘up’, ’no’, and ‘ya’ to his vocabulary.

//

He’s a year old today. Clarke and Lexa can’t hardly believe that it has already been a year. Everyone that was at his baby shower are now celebrating his first year of being alive.

“Time has certainly flown. I can’t believe my grandson is already a year.” Abby says as she bounces the little boy up and down on her knee. He looks even more like Lexa now. Curly light/dark hair, deep bright green eyes, full lips. The only sign of Clarke in him are his ears and button nose. He also has a freckle coming in on his left cheek, identical to Clarke’s very light freckle on her’s.

“Yeah, I sometimes still get startled when he starts speaking.” Lexa chuckles, she reaches down and brushes some of his thick hair out of his eyes. He smiles at her with a somewhat toothy grin. He then begins reaching for her with his little arms.

“Mama” He coos. Abby grips underneath his arms and hoists him up to pass him over to Lexa.

“Come here, baby.” Lexa says as she grabs him to set him on her lap. He leans back in her embrace, looking at everyone talking amongst themselves. He reaches up his little arm and begins to tangle his fingers into Lexa’s hair. Clenching and unclenching his fist, a sign that he’s getting sleepy. He’s begun a habit of playing with either Clarke or Lexa’s hair when getting tired.

“I see what Clarke’s talking about now.” Abby grins. Lexa looks over at her confused.

“What do you mean?” Lexa asks.

“He’s obsessed with you. This entire party all he’s wanted to do is stay by your side.” Lexa looks down at him and cranes her neck so she can look at his face. His eyes are growing heavy. She smiles at him.

Lexa doesn’t take her eyes off of him when she replies, “Well, the feeling is mutual.”

  
One little power nap later, Jake is ready for cake. Of course they gave him his own personal chocolate cake. It was messy to say the least. Then came him needing a bath before he opened up presents. Clarke helped him with ripping all the wrapping paper open, while Lexa of course filmed it. He lost interest about 5 minutes into it and was more interested in the wrapping paper than his actual presents. After awhile the party began to dwindle, until soon it was only the Griffin-Woods clan.

Clarke lays Jake down in his crib. He’s not quite asleep yet, but he’s getting there. Lexa leans her forearms on the side of the crib and lays her chin on them, just staring at him. Clarke mimics Lexa.

“You think he’ll sleep?” Lexa quietly asks.

“Oh yeah, he’ll sleep hard. He had a big day.” Clarke replies.

There’s a beat of silence as the two of them watch him suck on a pacifier, his eyes moving from Clarke to Lexa, grinning.

“Look at him. I don’t get it. Why is he so happy? It’s not like he’s got a Mercedes or a great job or anything.” Lexa says, grinning back at him.

“Maybe he’s just happy being alive.” Clarke says, also grinning at him.

“Doesn’t that make him some kind of mutant.” Lexa jokes.

Clarke chuckles. “No, it makes him your son.”

Lexa turns to look at Clarke. She furrows her brow.

“What’s that mean?”

Clarke grins at her, “He’s learning it from you.”

Lexa thinks about that. How happy she has been lately, and knows Clarke is right. Lexa locks eyes with Clarke. She thinks about how gorgeous Clarke is, especially with messy hair and a stained shirt. How patient she is with Lexa and her excitable personality. How much love she gives her and their son. How funny she is. How much Clarke just understands her.

“I love you, Clarke.” Lexa whispers sincerely. No hint of a smirk or an offhanded comment immediately following. Just pure unadulterated love.

“I love you too.” Clarke whispers just as sincerely back. Lexa turns and looks back at Jake and he’s now asleep. His chest breathing evenly.

Lexa and Clarke straighten themselves from resting on the crib and begin to walk out of the room. Clarke in front of Lexa. That’s when she feels it.

Her vision blurs and she loses her balance, she reaches out to grab Clarke but crashes into a the bin of toys and she feels herself possibly losing consciousness.

She can only hear Clarke yelling her name in a panic and Jake screaming and crying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DON'T HATE ME TOO HARD FOR ENDING IT THERE!


	10. With These Things There's No Telling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke and Lexa receive news.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooooo this one is heavy. Incredibly heavy. So heavy I cried twice while writing it. It's so heavy that's it's short because it was getting too heavy. This is my warning.
> 
> I don't know how many more chapters there will be, but I will tell you this story will be wrapping up soon.
> 
> Part of me wants to write a prequel, to when Clarke and Lexa met and their journey from there, but i'm not sure. Let me know if that's something you guys would like to see.

“I’m afraid the cancer has spread to the brain. This is not uncommon with kidney cancer, it’s very opportunistic. The miracle is that you’ve managed to survive this long. I don’t know what has kept you alive, but a woman in her condition should not be sitting across from me right now.” Dr. Kane says.

Clarke has her arm looped through Lexa’s as her hand rests on Lexa’s leg, rubbing for comfort. Lexa just stares somberly at the floor. Not once meeting anyone’s eye. They are sitting across from Dr. Kane once more after Lexa was rushed to the hospital a few days earlier. She was released yesterday and was asked to come back to Dr. Kane’s office.

“Traditionally, uh, a brain tumor this size progresses very quickly. I hate, really hate, to be the one to tell you this but there really…isn’t any time left.” Dr. Kane audibly swallows.

Clarke brings her free hand up to cover her gasping cry, Lexa just hangs her head further, actually letting her tears fall onto the floor. She feels stupid. Absolutely stupid. Some part of her actually believed she was getting better, that she was going to watch her son grow up. All the while, her body was actually just getting sicker. Now that she knows her son, seen what he looks like in the flesh; how could the universe just rip her from his life?

“We can hospitalize you, but in truth hospice is just as efficient. You’ll get to stay in the comfort of your own home. I’ll be happy to recommend a service for you. But I should warn you, you are probably going to develop muscle weakness. Walking and lifting things will become difficult for you. That’s why it’s a good idea to have professional help around. I’d also like to start…” Lexa blocks him out, having heard enough.

She’s really going this time.

//

In probably the most desperate move she’s ever made in her life, Lexa takes herself back to Mr. Green. She will do anything to make this not happen. Anything.

She’s back on his table. His hands pressing on the back of her neck. She keeps seeing that light she’s seen briefly so many times. She’s not jumping back from it though. Not this time.

“That light…” Lexa says, weakly. “I keep seeing that light. What is it?”

“That is the light of self. It is the source of life. The source of all living.” He replies, still pressing on the back of her neck.

“Does that mean it’s working? Will it kill my tumor?” She asks.

He pauses, then slowly begins shaking his head.

“It’s going too fast.” He somberly states. Lexa’s heart drops.

“So there isn’t anything…” She says. “What can I do?”

He moves his hands to her forehead and begins kneading his thumbs in the middle of her eyebrows.

“Put your house in order,” He begins smoothing her hair, putting a little pressure to squeeze her head gently, ”Find peace.”

Lexa clenches her jaw and lets a tear slip out of one of her eyes and fall down the side of her head.

It really is becoming the end.

She didn’t even feel this when they told her she was terminal. She didn’t feel this when the medicine didn’t work. She hasn’t felt this feeling before. She doesn’t know what it is.

But one thing she does know, she doesn’t want to feel it.

//

“So when is the hospice nurse coming?” Abby asks.

“Tonight.” Clarke says shortly as she continues making lunch for Jake. An unspoken silence falls over them. Abby not really knowing how to comfort her daughter. Jake had died suddenly, she didn’t have time to dwell and stew in the possibility of his death. She thinks she might have been lucky, for lack of a better word, because of that. Because she can’t even imagine if she had to watch the love of her life deteriorate right in front of her and not be able to do anything.

“Where is she right now anyways?” Abby asks, looking around the kitchen. Jake is sitting in his high chair babbling and sipping on juice waiting for his lunch. No sign of Lexa though.

“Upstairs. Sleeping.” Clarke says. She moves in front of Jake and sits down, prepared to help him eat. Abby watches as Clarke puts a fake happy smile on her face for the boy. But she can see the fear and sadness in Clarke’s eyes.

Abby moves to sit next to Clarke in front of Jake. She puts her hand on her leg.

“Remember to take care of yourself, too.” Abby whispers. She watches the side of Clarke’s face as she clenches her jaw. Clarke closes her eyes and takes a long deep breath, willing herself not to breakdown. When the moment passes she opens her eyes and plasters on the fake smile for Jake again.

//

Clarke is trying to cook dinner for herself, Jake, and Raven. Lexa already stating she isn’t hungry. It’s absolute chaos in the kitchen. Raven is somewhere in the house with Jake, keeping him occupied. Last she saw Lexa she was in the living room reading. One of the pots over-boils and flows down the sides, she forgets to put a lid on the blender and spills all of the protein shake she was going to give to Lexa. She forgets about the loaf of bread she had toasting and it ends up being burned. She then hears the doorbell ring.

“Can someone get that!” She yells at the top of her lungs. After a minute the doorbell rings twice more.

“Raven! Get the door!” She yells again. Another minute passes and the doorbell rings again.

She finally gets the pot to simmer, and starts to make her way to the door as it rings once more.

“Jesus does nobody listen…” She stops when she sees Lexa slowly making her way to the door.

“Oh baby, I was yelling at Raven to get it, not you.” Clarke says as she rushes to Lexa’s side. Lexa beats her to the door and opens it.

A very tall older man stands with a medic bag strung over his shoulder stands there and smiles warmly at them. He looks between both Lexa and Clarke.

“I guess I don’t have to ask which one is the patient.” He says. Clarke watches Lexa smirk and it makes her heart flutter in her chest.

It’s been only three weeks since they visited Dr. Kane and Lexa has already started looking worse for ware. She’s becoming more gaunt, her tan skin is now pale. Her walking is incredibly slow now and she has started sleeping later and later. She puts on a brave face in front of Jake, much like Clarke does, but at night when it’s just her and Clarke they don’t know what to say to each other. She doesn’t smile as much anymore. So when Clarke sees her genuinely smirk, it makes her heart flutter.

“You must be Lexa?” The man says and Lexa slowly nods. He then looks at Clarke.

“And you must be the wife, Clarke?” He asks, Clarke smiles at him and nods.

“I’m Nyko, the hospice nurse. Dr. Kane referred me.” Nyko states.

“Oh right, come in.” Lexa says hoarsely. She slowly moves out of the way and he steps in. Clarke shuts the door.

Lexa tries to guide him into the living room as fast as she can. Clarke watches as Nyko studies her.

“It looks like we’re going to need a walker. I’ll bring one over tomorrow morning.” He states as Lexa slowly makes her way to the couch. Clarke follows her and helps her sit down.

Nyko sets his bag down and moves to sit in front of them.

“Now Dr. Kane filled me in on everything. I just want you to know we’re going to do everything we can to make you comfortable.” Lexa nods and manages a smile.

“Thank you.” She says.

“What is the schedule?” Clarke asks.

“I’ll be here during the day 7 days a week. Usually I will get here about 6 am and i’ll leave in the evenings when things have settled down or when Lexa’s asleep.”

“What if something happens at night?” Clarke asks.

“We have special nurses that are on call at night just for that. I’ll give you the number.” He smiles. Clarke nods.

After awhile of Nyko explaining how he works he leaves. Lexa looks at Clarke tiredly.

“Where’s Jake?” She whispers.

“I’ll go get him.” Clarke stands and makes her way around the house, looking for Raven and Jake.

She finds him playing with blocks up in her’s and Lexa’s room. Raven smiles as Clarke enters.

“I figured you guys would want the privacy while he was here.” Raven shrugs. Clarke smiles.

“Lex wants to see him. Dinner is a little burnt but I think it’s edible.” Clarke says as she grabs Jake and hoists him up to carry him downstairs.

“I’m sure it’s fine. You’ve got a lot on your plate.” The three make their way downstairs. Clarke watches as both Jake and Lexa’s faces light up when they see the other.

“Come here, baby.” She says and outstretches her arms slowly. Clarke brings Jake to her and sets him on her lap. She watches as Jake looks up at her and smiles a big grin.

“Mama, mama.” He babbles. Lexa smiles and leans down to give him a kiss on the head.

“I love you so much buddy.” She hears Lexa whisper.

It’s then that Clarke has to excuse herself. Her heart constricting. She walks to the kitchen where Raven is helping herself to the dinner Clarke made.

“What happened here?” Raven points to the messy blender and countertop.

Clarke sighs, “Forgot to put the lid on.” Raven nods her head.

“I need to make her another protein shake or else she won’t eat.” Clarke says as she moves towards the fridge. Raven stops her by grabbing her arm.

“I’ll do it. Take this, go eat.” Raven hands her plate to Clarke. Clarke shakes her head.

“No, it’s fine. Once I give it to her i’ll eat, she’ll swindle you into not drinking it. She’s somehow done it to my mom twice.” Clarke says. Raven chuckles.

“Of course she does. I’m not even surprised.” Raven shakes her head and makes her way to sit down and eat.

Clarke gets the ingredients she needs and begins blending it all up. She pours it in the glass ready to take it to Lexa, hoping she doesn’t try to charm her way out of drinking it.

“You can get Jake’s highchair ready to eat though. I’ll be right back.” Clarke says as Raven gets up to pull Jake’s highchair from the corner towards the table.

Clarke makes her way back into the living room with the drink in her hand.

“Lex, I have your shake and there’s no way you’re going to get me to…” She stops mid-sentence at the sight before her.

Jake is snuggled up on Lexa’s lap, his hand rooted in her hair unmoving, eyes closed. Lexa is also asleep and has her arms around him. Both their breaths in-sync. The sight makes her heart feel full but also makes her heart break. How does whatever higher power there is, look at this sight, at these two people, and think it’s okay to just take them away from each other? From her? There is no rhyme or reason for it. To teach a lesson? Didn’t she already learn this message when her own father passed away? It doesn’t make sense. What good does this do when it gives you nothing but pain?

Clarke doesn’t wake them. She just watches her two loves sleep peacefully. She looks at Lexa and almost forgets what’s happening to her. To them. She feels hopeful. But then she registers how pale she looks. How skinny she is.

And the hope dwindles.


	11. Felt As If You'd Just Woke Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa continues to work with Nyko. She films her last piece of advice for Jake.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm making these chapters relatively shorter because they're so intensely sad. Like I cried and had to stop writing for the night while writing this one.
> 
> I believe there will be only two more chapters after this, i'm also thinking about writing an Epilogue as well so at least three.
> 
> Next chapter, Lexa gets closure with her family. It's quite sad and heartbreaking. I want to warn you guys ahead of time before I post that one. If you've made it this far, I seriously commend you.
> 
> If you have any questions or comments feel free to hit me up on tumblr: cohenatwood.tumblr.com
> 
> Thank you for all the comments you guys are leaving, i'm very appreciative of them.

“That’s right, Lexa. Get your balance, lift the walker, move.” Nyko says encouragingly. Lexa is learning how to use the walker this afternoon. Having refused to use it for the first 4 days Nyko has been on her service. After taking a nasty spill, Clarke had a talk with her and told her she needed to use it.

Lexa moves only two steps and needs a little break. She’s breathing quite hard.

“This is hard.” She says. She looks over at Clarke who is watching her, she sees the sadness in her eyes and watches Clarke plaster on an encouraging smile. Lexa smiles back at her, hoping that her smiling at her would lift her spirits. She sees a flicker in her eyes, and that’s good enough for her at the moment.

“It’ll get easier to use.” Nyko says. Lexa eventually makes her way to the kitchen table and slowly lowers herself down into the chair. She feels Clarke’s eyes on her as she catches her breath.

“Who knew i’d be the out of shape one in this relationship.” She says in-between breaths with a smirk. Clarke gives her a tight-lipped smile.

“You have an excuse.” She states evenly.

“So you won’t hold it against me?” Lexa tries to joke. Clarke lowers her eyes to the table.

“Never.” She whispers. Lexa feels her heart hurt. She hates how much this is hurting Clarke. But Clarke won’t let her see it. She’s been trying to keep up a front, but has seem to forgotten that Lexa knows her all too well.

“You know, you told me once that I could come to you anytime. To share what i’m feeling. The same goes for you.” She whispers, aware that Nyko is in the kitchen fixing something for Lexa to try and eat. She reaches over slowly to place her hand on top of Clarke’s on the table. Clarke grasps it and squeezes gently.

She finally lifts her blue eyes to Lexa’s eyes. Clarke gives her a small smile.

“I’m feeling like I really really love you.” She says. Lexa knows she’s deflecting, but will let her do it.

“It’s a good thing you married me then huh?” Lexa gives her a crooked smile. Clarke nods softly.

Nyko sets a plate in front of Lexa. She internally groans.

“I want you to at least take one bite of each thing on that plate. If you can keep that down and eat another bite of each thing on that place, i’ll settle with giving you one of the shakes for dinner.” He gives her a stern look.

Lexa sighs.

“Lex, you need to eat.” Clarke says. Lexa begins shaking her head, starting to feel agitated.

“I don’t want it. I can’t keep that stuff down anymore. I throw it up and lose my energy from throwing up and then I don’t get to see Jake in the evening because i’m exhausted. Please don’t make me.” Lexa pleads. Clarke and Lexa had decided to let Jake go to Abby’s during the day for the past four days so Lexa could get settled in with Nyko.

Clarke bites her lip and Lexa watches as she looks up at Nyko. Lexa turns her head to look at him and he starts to shake his head.

“The shakes aren’t going to help you with sustaining energy. Just one bite of everything each. That’s all i’m asking. You don’t have to do the second bites. That’s my last compromise.” Nyko folds his arms across his chest, challenging Lexa.

She clenches her jaw. She lets go of Clarke’s hand and reaches for her fork. She slowly takes a bite of everything on the plate. Chewing long and slow and forcing herself to swallow it. Clarke smiles the whole time.

“Good. See? That wasn’t so bad. You wanna try the second bites?” Nyko asks.

Lexa shakes her head, “We made a deal, i’m not doing the second ones.” Lexa states firmly.

Nyko chuckles.”Alright. Then you have to drink the whole shake when it’s time for dinner.”

“Okay. I can do that.” Lexa nods slowly.

//

Nyko has been on duty for about 8 days now. Lexa has noticed that he’s not just helping her but also tries to help Clarke as well. She’s grateful for that. He’s almost like a grandfather, stern but wise. She likes that he doesn’t completely treat her like she’s fragile, still challenging her even as her body grows weaker.

Their friends come by to see both her and Jake. She did listen in as she heard Anya have a melt down in the kitchen with Clarke and Raven. Sobbing about how unfair everything was. Listening to Raven cry as she tried to soothe Anya. It broke her heart.

Bellamy sits with her most days, keeping her up to date on the different cases that have come through the firm. She hasn’t told him that she put in for him to be partner after she goes, an after-death surprise she figures. After all their lawyer talk, they watch baseball and ignore the elephant in the room.

Abby is at the house everyday. Said she took time off at the hospital to be here for the Griffin-Woods clan.

It’s on the 9th day that she’s started hospice care when she breaks down.

“One step at a time Lexa. It’s not a race.” Nyko says. Lexa has been falling asleep on the couch the past few nights, Clarke not having the heart to wake her. Lexa decides she wants to go to her room for a nap, but is struggling hard to make it up the first step.

She finally is on the first step but her limbs and body are burning. Everything is aching and crying out for her to stop. She still has a whole flight to go up. She holds on to the railing for dear life as she begins the tortuous movements to the second step. After quite awhile, Nyko patiently watching her, she makes it but knows right then and there, she can’t go any further. She starts to maneuver her body to sit on the stairs. Nyko doesn’t say anything and just watches her.

Lexa clenches her jaw, as angry tears begin to spill over. One of Jake’s toys is on the step next to her and she throws it with all her strength to the floor, breaking it.

“Hey, none of that okay?” Nyko says. Lexa angrily shakes her head as the tears fall from her eyes, lip quivering.

“I can’t even go up my own stairs.” Her voice cracks. Nyko steps forward and crouches down to her eye level.

He reaches out to put a soothing hand on her shoulder. “It’s okay. We’ll just order you a bed and put it in the den. You’re strong, Lexa. Very strong. Don’t forget that.” He says with nothing but sincerity.

Lexa nods her head, taking in Nyko’s words.

“I’ll carry you up there for the night, we’ll bring dinner to you. I’ll call and get that bed delivered tomorrow. Does that sound good?” He asks. Lexa tearfully nods her head as he moves to carry her up the stairs bridal style.

//

Clarke watches from a distance as two men begin putting the hospital bed in their den. Another man comes up to Clarke and asks her to sign a piece of paper, she absentmindedly signs, not being able to take her eyes off the bed. Nyko decided to take Lexa and Jake out to the park for some fresh air, thinking it’d be good for her.

The men leave and it’s just Clarke, alone in the den staring at the hospital bed. She makes her way slowly to the bed. She grabs the remote and starts to press the down button, watching as the bed moves from an upright position to a laying position.

She doesn’t know why it’s this moment that she chooses to breakdown. Maybe it’s the overwhelming feeling of knowing that she won’t get to sleep next to her anymore. It’s as simple as that.

She begins crying hard for the first time since they left Dr. Kane’s office. She moves to sit on the edge of the bed and let’s the sobs wrack her body. She feels someone sit next to her and realizes it’s her mother. Abby puts an arm around her shoulder and uses the other arm to rub up and down Clarke’s arm as Clarke continues to cry.

She finally finds some words to say in-between sobs, “I want her in our bed with me.” She cries.

“It’s okay. We can just set you up down here with her.” Abby tries to soothe. Clarke just shakes her head.

“It’s not the same.” Her voice cracks at least two octaves higher. Abby nods her head, in understanding.

“Mom, I don’t want her to leave.” She says as she rips out a sob. Abby completely wraps her arms around Clarke, holding her as Clarke sobs into her shirt.

“I know, baby. I know.” Abby tearfully tries to soothe her. Rubbing her back and rocking her.

//

“I first met your mom Freshman Year orientation at UCLA. About 14 years ago. I’ll be honest with you, I didn’t notice her at first, but according to her she noticed me. I guess you can get her side of things later on.” Lexa is in a wheelchair in their backyard. She’d asked Clarke to set up the camera on the tripod so she can tell her side of how they met. Clarke is behind the camera, just watching her and listening.

“So we were in a small group doing the campus tour. I had just left Polis and moved to Los Angeles with your Aunt Anya. Although she had come out to LA like a month earlier, I still had to raise some money to get out here. Anyways, I guess I had dropped an old pen and your mom was behind me and noticed. She grabbed it and tapped me on the shoulder when we were walking. I turned around and I thought…well, I thought she was really hot.” Lexa chuckles softly, Clarke smirks.

“I was intimated by her beauty, so I was kind of short with her. Just said ’thanks’ and continued to walk with the group. But your mom stood by me the rest of the tour, whispering funny comments to me, I knew then we’d be friends even though we didn’t know each other’s names yet. Afterwards, I had gained a little more confidence and we got to talking. She’s incredibly smart, and it showed, I respected that a lot. I still do.” Lexa looks beyond the camera to give Clarke a small smile, Clarke smiles back sadly.

“I don’t know if I fell in love with her right away. I think it came over time. We were practically inseparable after that tour. We were opposites, definitely. Your mom has this compassion, deep compassion that I admire. And she’s open and warm… I didn’t think it was love. I just knew I liked her. I just liked her. She made me feel good. Made me feel whole.” Clarke smiles and lets a tear roll down her cheek and then swipes it away.

“There was a morning, after we started rooming together. I don’t know what it was about that morning but I remember just waking up and I looked at her sleeping and I realized, I love this woman. It just hit me. I just love her.” Lexa takes a deep sigh and looks at Clarke, just stares at her for a moment.

“So I guess what i’ve learned is liking someone is just as important as loving them. And if you like somebody long enough, and enough and enough, you learn what love is too….” The two stare at one another for awhile.

“So that’s it. What do you think?” Lexa asks. Clarke sits up a little straighter, tries to find her voice.

“I-I…I think i’m going to throw up.” Clarke smirks through some stray tears. Lexa chuckles.

“Really?” She asks, smiling. Clarke nods.

Lexa looks into the camera, “Okay let me tell you about this other girl in Polis.” Clarke lets out a watery laugh and gets up to move in front of the camera frame. She sits next to Lexa.

She begins peppering kisses all over Lexa’s gaunt face.

“Oh sure, now you kiss me.” Lexa jokes. After awhile Clarke stops and just simply holds her, Lexa laying her head on Clarke’s chest, listening to her breathing, her healthy heart thrumming.

They forget all about the camera. Just holding one another, wishing this feeling of being with one another would never go away.


	12. I Realize How I Need You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa and Clarke get in contact with her family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're getting there, folks. You're going to need at least one box of tissues with this chapter.
> 
> Thanks again for the comments and for sticking it out. I swear if you continue after this chapter, I will be seriously impressed with your resolve. Pat on the back to you.
> 
> Good luck, and let me know what you think.

Lexa is laying in the bed in the den. Clarke has set up her own makeshift bed on the couch. Lexa has decided she doesn’t want to sleep anymore. She’s going to stay up for the rest of her dwindling life. She takes the remote for the stereo and turns it on, the theme of The Lone Ranger blaring.

Clarke shoots up and looks at Lexa, confused.

“Lexa, what are you doing?! It’s the middle of the night, you need to sleep.” Clarke yells over the loud music.

“I don’t want to sleep.” She says defiantly. Clarke moves the blankets off of her.

“Just try, Lex.” Clarke says. Lexa shakes her head.

“No, I don’t want to.” She states. Clarke sighs and moves over to her to sit on the edge of her bed. She brushes some of Lexa’s hair out of her face.

“Just a nap. How are you going to keep your strength?” Clarke asks.

Lexa scoffs, “My strength? I can’t even brush my teeth.” It’s then Abby pushes aside the panel doors to the den, in her robe.

“I know you’re having trouble sleeping but could you turn it down?” Abby asks politely. Clarke turns to her mother, frustrated.

“In a minute mom! She likes this part.” Clarke says over the music. Lexa shakes her head and grabs the remote.

“I gotta start over.” She presses the replay button and the music starts over. She lays her head back, listening to the music and her mind starts to drift…

_The Lone Ranger is playing on the small TV set. Lexa is sitting in front of it, absolutely entranced. She’s 6 years old. Her father walks down the stairs and walks over to her. He ruffles her hair._

_“So long partner.” Gustus says. Lexa looks up at him wide eyed._

_“Please, daddy. Don’t go.” Her small voice pleads._

_Gustus smiles at her and bends down to pick her up. He holds her close and then pulls away, Lexa still keeping her small legs around him._

_“If in the middle of the night you feel a kiss on your cheek, it’ll be from me.” He smiles. He leans forward and places a kiss on her cheek. He puts her down and walks out the door. Lexa stands at the screen door, watching him as he goes to his work truck. He waves at her one last time before getting in. He begins to drive away but not before honking his horn a couple times at her. Lexa watches until he turns around the block, disappearing._

“Daddy…” Lexa mumbles. She opens her eyes and the music is off. The lights are back off. She looks over and Clarke is back to being sound asleep. She lays her head back. She feels that overwhelming feeling of needing her dad. Her mom. Her brother. She needs them.

//

“Mom? Let me talk…let me just say…let me say something…hold-“ Lexa removes the phone from her ear and looks at Clarke.

“She wants to know if we’ve had any second opinions.” Lexa says, Clarke lets out an ironic chuckle. Lexa puts the phone back to her ear. Clarke watches as Lexa tries to speak with them.

“Mom, I’ve had my second opinions about my second opinions. Lots of em. Listen…dad are you there? Can you let me…let me say one thing…please? I just want to say something to you guys. I never wanted to hurt you. No. No it wasn’t you. It was me. Listen, you did the best you could, i’m doing the best I can - No. I want to tell you something. You never did anything wrong. It’s okay. I wanted you to know that. Okay?” There’s a moment and Lexa removes the phone from her ear and looks at Clarke to hand the phone to her. “They’re crying.” Clarke gives her a sympathetic look and takes the phone from her.

“Indra? Gustus?” Clarke asks. She hears nothing but sobbing coming from the other end then a strangled noise.

“Clarke?” Indra asks through the tears. More crying starts and Clarke swallows the lump in her throat.

“Just listen to me for a second okay?” Clarke tries.

“I don’t want this to happen to her,” Indra cries out. Clarke nods her head even though Gustus and Indra can’t see her.

“I know. Just call us back when you know your flight number.” Clarke says.

“Okay, we love you so much.” Indra says through tears.

“I know, we love you too. We’ll talk to you later this morning. Okay bye.” Clarke ends the call and looks at Lexa, looking down at the floor. Clenching her jaw.

Clarke grabs her hand reassuringly. “You did it.” She smiles. Lexa nods her head.

“I know.” She looks up at Clarke to give a small sad smile.

“She’s gonna fly.” Clarke says. Lexa nods her head.

“They’re gonna have to knock her out cold.” Lexa says with a chuckle. Clarke laughs and places a kiss on her cheek.

//

Clarke is walking around the living room, trying to pick up Jake’s toys. Gustus, Indra, Lincoln, and Octavia are all going to be staying with them. She wants to tidy up the place at least a little. She finally stores them away. She hears the honking of a horn outside and moves to go to the front door.

She looks out and sees the Woods clan headed up the walkway with their suitcases. Clarke runs over to greet them. Wrapping her arms around Indra as she places a kiss on Clarke’s cheek. She pulls away and grabs one of Indra’s bags.

"Let’s go inside.”

They all make it inside.

“So you guys got an early flight huh?” She asks and gestures for all of them to just set their bags by the stairs.

“Yup.” Lincoln says.

“Well i’m so glad you made it.” Clarke says and puts a hand on Indra’s arm.

“Us too.” Gustus says as he stands up tall from setting his bags down.

“Yeah it was a minor miracle.” Octavia says. Clarke smiles at her and then moves to look at Indra who is looking at her. Clarke knows instantly she wants to see Lexa.

“I want to warn you..she’s- she’s weak.” Clarke nods. Indra nods and grabs ahold of Clarke’s hand.

“Okay.” They all begin to walk towards the den. They make it and Clarke watches as Indra looks at Lexa sitting up in the hospital bed. She watches the fear and sadness fill her eyes.

Lexa musters a smile and slowly brings her hand up to gesture her mother over. “Come here.” She nearly whispers. Indra rushes over.

“Oh..Lexa.” Indra says. Gustus is not far behind her. Indra hugs her gently and gives her a kiss on the head as Gustus puts a hand on her leg.

Lincoln and Octavia slowly make their way to her, also putting their hands on her legs reassuringly. Indra continues to leave kisses on her head and hug her.

Clarke stands back a little, letting them have a moment. She watches as Gustus starts to get teary. Indra pulls back to let the other’s see her. Lexa looks at her father and gives him a smile.

“Hey, dad.” She says. Gustus smiles as he moves over to her. He strokes a piece of her hair.

“Oh, Lexi. You look..you look nice.” He tries to joke. Lexa chuckles lightly and nods at him. She moves her eyes to Lincoln and Octavia at the foot of her bed.

“Hey, Linc.” She says weakly. She slowly reaches her hand for Lincoln to grab. He sets his hand on top of it.

“Hey Lex.” He says sadly.

“How you doing?” Lexa asks. Lincoln smiles.

“I’m okay.” Lexa then reaches her hand for Octavia.

“Octavia, good to see you.” Octavia smiles and grasps it.

“You too.”

Lexa sighs after a moment. Gustus speaks first.

“You- you feel alright?” Gustus stutters.

“Uh…i’m just a little tired.” She weakly states.

Gustus nods his head. “Yeah.” A moment of silence passes all of them as Lexa looks around the house she then turns to her mother.

“So, what do you think? Of California.” She says slowly.

“It’s hot.” Gustus says, making everyone chuckle. It’s then Abby comes in holding Jake who is smiling and babbling.

“Hey, check out your grandson.” Lexa points out. They all turn to see Jake being passed over to Clarke.

“Oh my god. What a handsome boy.” Lincoln says. Octavia squeals.

“Clarke with a baby, I never thought that’d happen.” Clarke smirks at her. Indra and Gustus both coo.

“This is Jake.” Jake shyly smiles at them all, looking around at them until his eyes land on Lexa. His smiles grows and he holds out his hands to her.

“Mama, up.” His small voice says. Clarke moves to the opposite side of the bed from where Gustus and Indra are and sets Jake on Lexa. She slowly wraps her arms around the boy as he gives her a sloppy kiss on the cheek.

Gustus reaches out and brushes his thick curly hair. “He is so beautiful.” Jake smiles at him.

“He looks just like Lexa, when Lexa was a baby.” Indra says, leaning down to place a kiss on the young boys head.

“Oh yeah, just like Lexi.” Gustus exclaims happily. Lincoln nods his head. Clarke smiles, knowing all too well that he’s going to continue to look like her.

Lexa breaks through the gushing over Jake. “I can’t believe you got on a plane.” She says to Indra with a smirk.

“Oh she was only conscious for part of it.” Octavia says, making Lexa chuckle.

Indra is sitting on the side of the bed, playing with Jake’s hands as she looks up to Octavia then back to Jake.

“Never mind them, they’re making fun of your grandmother.” She says in a baby voice. The group laughs. Lexa looks around at all of them, beaming at Jake and her.

“This is so great. I’m so happy you guys came.” Lexa speaks slowly. Gustus looks at her and smiles.

“Always, partner.” He says, squeezing her leg.

//

It’s a few days later when Lexa is awoken by Clarke early in the morning.

“Baby, wake up.” Clarke whispers, stroking her hair. Lexa slowly opens her eyes.

“What’s wrong?” Lexa furrows her brow.

“We gotta go outside in the backyard.” Clarke says with a smile. Lexa furrows her brow even more but decides she doesn’t have the energy to question it.

Clarke finally gets her into her wheelchair. Her legs had officially given out two days earlier. Clarke wheels her outside where her family and all their friends are waiting for her. There are a line of sheets, shielding her from the yard.

“What’s going on?” Lexa asks slowly. They all give her sly grins. It’s Bellamy and Octavia that stand to grab one of the sheets to open it. It makes Lexa smile when she sees the two brother and sister give each other smiles.

“You’ll see.” Lincoln states from beside her. Bellamy and Octavia open up the makeshift flaps and reveals the surprise.

There are clowns, and acrobats, and jugglers, and ring masters and animals. They all start performing. It’s a circus.

Lexa grins widely. Absolutely stunned. She slowly reaches her hand up to find Clarke’s, Clarke grasps it and bends down to her eye level.

“Who did this?” She questions while smiling. Clarke grins at her and looks up.

“Your parents. They wanted to do something.” Clarke says. She places a kiss on her cheek. “Sometimes wishes do come true.” She grins. Lexa shakes her head in disbelief.

She turns to look at her parents. Gustus steps up to grab her other hand and bends down to her eye level as well. Lexa squeezes his big hand reassuringly. To show him that she loves him. She doesn't hold anything against him.

“Better late than never, yeah?” Gustus says to her. Lexa laughs and just shakes her head. Gustus brings her hand up and kisses it. Lexa feels all her emotions come up and hides her face as she begins crying. Not from sadness but from pure happiness.

Anya grabs her head and kisses it and pulls it in as she continues to shield her face.

“I love you.” Anya whispers, and Lexa nods. She pulls away and Lexa beams with tears in her eyes. She looks out at the circus performers performing, and then she wants Jake.

“Where’s Jake?” Lexa looks up to ask Clarke. Clarke side-steps and sees Raven holding him as Lincoln holds his little hand. Clarke reaches for Jake and places him on Lexa’s lap.

Jake looks around at it all and giggles. Lexa places a bunch of kisses on his head, as he leans back in her embrace, rooting his hand in her long curly brunette hair.

Lexa leans into Jake’s ear.

“Don’t forget this. Don’t ever forget this.” She whispers.


	13. Glad I Didn't Die Before I Met You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa's fight comes to a head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...before you even begin reading this chapter, please have a tissue in your hand and have at least a couple boxes of them near by.
> 
> So you get a sense of the emotional toll this chapter might bring you, I cried the entire time while writing it. Cried while editing it. Reread it to add a few things and cried then as well. If you don't think you can handle it, please do not continue. Your emotional and mental health is way more important.
> 
> I already have the Epilogue written. Just need to go through and edit it so expect that in a few hours.
> 
> Thank you so much for all the lovely comments you have been leaving. They seriously make my day. Thank you for sticking with this story even though it's an incredibly hard topic to read and write. Just, thank you for the support.
> 
> If you want to vent or cry with me, go ahead and hit me up here: cohenatwood.tumblr.com

Lexa looks into the crib at a sleeping Jake. Her father carried her up the stairs and put a chair by his crib for her. She puts her hand on his stomach and lightly begins tracing her finger over the designs on his space onsie. She knows it’s going to be over soon. She doesn’t know how, but she feels it. She stares at the sleeping boy. Her beautiful baby boy. She watches his eyes flutter underneath, dreaming.

“Hey Jake. I was just downstairs. Thinking about some things.” Lexa whispers to him. She moves some hair out of her face and continues, “So I thought i’d come up here and have a talk with you, mother to son.” She smiles as she hears him breathing softly.

“Listen, this whole dying thing…not my idea. Sometimes, stuff just happens.” A pause,”You know, my brother was right. I could have turned out to be just like my father.” She stares at the sleeping boy. Taking in his little hands. His feet. His ears. Long eyelashes. She swallows. “You know, he’s really a great guy. But he worked all the time, he wasn’t around too much. You would have spent your whole life being angry. You don’t want to do that…You would have never known me, Jake.” Lexa sighs.

“I don’t want you to feel bad about me dying. Dying is a really hard way to learn about life. That’s what i’ve learned the most.” Lexa sniffs. “But…i’m so grateful for all this time i’ve had with you. Cause it’s absolutely the happiest i’ve ever, ever, been.” Lexa takes a deep breath and smiles a little.

“It was nice to meet you, Jake.” She takes her hand and places a kiss on her finger tips and reaches into the crib to lightly put her hand on his head. She moves her hand down to feel the rise and fall of his chest. The steady rhythm.

It was really nice to meet him.

//

The next day, Lexa can’t get out of bed anymore. It’s the middle of the afternoon and she finally is able to convince Clarke that she can lay with her; that she wouldn’t hurt her. She keeps her arm around Clarke as she rests her head on Lexa’s chest. They’re watching I Love Lucy. Lexa softly rubs her thumb on Clarke’s arm.

“Which one of us is Ricky and which one of us is Lucy?” Lexa slowly whispers. She can feel Clarke grin.

“You can be irrational and crazy sometimes, so i’d say you’re Lucy and I’m Ricky.” Clarke rasps out. Lexa smiles and slowly nods her head, even though she knows Clarke isn’t looking at her.

Clarke begins rubbing Lexa’s shrunken stomach as they continue watching the show. After a new episode starts, she feels Lexa sigh contentedly.

“Thank you.” Lexa whispers. Clarke lifts her head from Lexa’s chest to look at her.

“For what?” Clarke whispers back.

“For showing me what it means to love someone, truly and completely.” Lexa smiles. Clarke swallows the lump in her throat. She pushes back the tears that are threatening to spill over. She gives her a smile and leans down to press a long kiss on her full lips.

She pulls away and stares at her green eyes.

“You’re welcome.” She whispers. Clarke puts her head back on Lexa’s chest and snuggles in closer and Lexa uses her arm and whatever strength she has left to pull her in a little more tightly.

The two spend the rest of the afternoon, lightly chuckling at the various episodes of I Love Lucy.

//

Clarke looks at Lexa napping in the bed. She looks ghostly now. Her skin absolutely white, her cheeks hollow, her muscular build practically non-existent. She continues to fold clothes as Nyko writes notes in a notebook.

“It’s happening so fast.” Clarke mutters. Nyko looks up at her and gives her a sympathetic smile.

“It’s a blessing, believe me. I’ve been around doing this for a long while.” He tries to reassure.

Clarke just shakes her head. It doesn’t feel like a blessing at all.

“How is that a blessing?” Clarke asks, genuinely curious. He sets his notebook down to give Clarke his full attention.

“I’ve watched when it drags on. This stage of it. I’ve watched their families suffer longer because they can’t do anything about it. And the patient suffers, because they are in this state of limbo. Nobody wants to be in a state of limbo.” Nyko replies. Clarke studies the older man for a moment. Contemplating his words.

She then turns back to look at Lexa and she knows Nyko is right. Because she looks at her and wishes she could do something, anything to stop this. To make it go away. But she can’t and that’s the most torturous thing of all.

//

Gustus slowly brushes Lexa’s hair. He holds her neck up to brush the back of it. Just to smooth it out, not really attempting to get the knots out. He gently puts her head back down on the pillow. She can’t really sit up anymore, her neck has become weak. She uses the bed to help her sit upright now.

He starts to smooth her hair with his hands. Until Lexa slowly brings a hand up to halt his actions.

He stops and looks at her deep green eyes with a furrowed brow.

“I love you, daddy.” Lexa stutters out. Her voice slow and weak. Gustus stares at his little girl. Tears slipping down his cheeks.

“I love you too.” He croaks. He leans in to place a soft kiss on her forehead, letting a few tears run off his face onto her head. He pulls back and wipes them off of her and gives her a smile. Then continues his task of smoothing her hair until she drifts off to sleep.

//

Lexa knows it’s coming. She can feel it. The pain has disappeared, that’s how she knows. She looks up at Clarke as Clarke reaches for an ice cube to run over Lexa’s lips. It’s the same thing Lexa had done for her while she was in labor.

Clarke stares into her eyes as she does the action. Lexa can see it in Clarke’s eyes that she knows it’s coming as well. After awhile, Clarke sets the ice cube down and just looks at Lexa.

Lexa tries to speak, to tell her she loves her one last time but all she can do is mumble now. Clarke soothes her worries by running her fingers through Lexa’s hair.

“Shhhh. It’s okay. It’s okay. You don’t have to try and talk.” Clarke says shakily, her blue eyes pooling with tears. “I know what’s in your heart.” She whispers as the tears make their way down her cheeks.

Lexa wishes she could reach out and brush them away for her. But something has started pulling her away from Clarke. She can feel it. Like a magnet. She starts to see that light she saw so many times at Mr. Green’s clinic. But she’s still holding on. For Clarke. For Jake. For her family. She remembers that promise she made to Clarke when this all started, but it’s becoming a struggle of peace versus wanting to stay.

  
Clarke leans down and kisses her forehead, her sobs already starting. She pulls away and then kisses Lexa’s lips, mixed with the ice and the salt of her tears. She pulls back and stares at the love of her life. She knows it’s happening by the way Lexa’s green eyes look at her. Like she’s trying so hard to hold on. To not leave her. Clarke puts her hand up to stroke her soft hollow cheek.

“I love you. It’s okay. You can let go. You kept your promise. We’ll be okay. It’s okay. It’s okay. It’s okay…” Clarke repeats the words as she watches Lexa do just that. She watches as Lexa takes a long deep breath and exhales slowly. She watches her beautiful green eyes slowly flutter shut. She watches her chest still. Then it’s over.

“It’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay…” Clarke whispers as she continues to cry, repeating the words, knowing that nothing will ever be the same for her.


	14. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 18 years later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We've come to the end folks. What a ride I must say. I hope maybe this story had some sort of meaning for you. I hope Lexa's journey in this story resonated with you in some way.
> 
> Thank you for sticking with this. I know fics about Lexa dying and all that are still very hard to read for some, so I commend you, truly, for giving this fic a shot.
> 
> If you have any other AU ideas you'd want to see me write, my ask box on Tumblr is always open: cohenatwood.tumblr.com
> 
> Once again, thank you thank you thank you so much for all your positive comments and support. Now here is the final act.
> 
> Enjoy.

_18 years later…_

Clarke sits in her art room that she put together years ago. Tired of having to drive herself to the studio and get someone to watch Jake if she didn’t want to bring him. So now she has a room at home.

She has been painting her green eyes all afternoon. For some reason finding this random day especially hard. She thinks maybe it has to do with Jake being away at college now. The house is empty, quiet.

She swears sometimes she can see brunette locks pass around the corner in the kitchen. Or when she’s downstairs drawing, she hears her laugh upstairs. It doesn’t happen often anymore, but when it does, it takes her breath away. Even after all this time.

She sets her paint brush down and admires the view. The beautiful eyes that their son shares, staring back at her. She doesn’t cry anymore when she paints her. She feels a sense of comfort now, like she’s closer to her.

She then hears the front door to their house open and shut. She makes her way out of her art room to the stairs and sees their son make his way towards the kitchen.

“What are you doing here? I thought you’d be at the dorms?” Clarke asks. He stops and looks up at her. He smirks. It’s at these moments that he looks uncanny to her. His wavy light brown hair, the way he curls his lips, her lips, up into a smirk. The way he raises his eyebrows. All her.

“You painting?” Jake asks. Clarke looks down at her paint stained clothes and rolls her eyes. She begins to walk down the steps to follow her son into the kitchen.

Jake grabs a soda and plops down on a stool at the island. He sighs and then puts his head in his hands.

“What’s up?” Clarke asks, growing concerned.

Jake shakes his head. “I’m having an off day.” He shrugs. Clarke walks over to him to put a hand on his shoulder.

“Classes hard today?” Clarke asks. She went to UCLA so she knows there can be some killer courses.

“No. I don’t know what it is. I just feel off.” He states. Clarke nods in understanding. A long moment of silence passes them and he turns to look at her.

“Will you watch a video with me?” He asks, his voice small and timid. Clarke doesn’t have to ask what video’s he’s talking about. She nods her head and gives him a smile.

The two make their way to the living room. Clarke take’s her wife’s old laptop and does the necessary steps to plug it into the TV. Clarke looks at Jake, sitting solemnly on the couch.

“Do you have a preference?” She asks. He shakes his head.

“Any one.” He says. Clarke looks through the many videos in the folder. Having watched each one thousands of times over the years. She picks a simple one, her wife explaining the mechanics of getting a first job.

Her face comes on the screen. Clarke can tell she filmed it rather early in her diagnosis. Her skin is still tanned, her face is still full, even with her sharp jawline and high cheekbones. She sighs and smiles at the camera. She then claps her hands together and rubs them.

“Alright, this you won’t have to worry about till you’re sixteen. Unless child labor laws get abolished in the future.” She chuckles. “Anyways, I got my first job when I was fourteen funny enough. Now, I say wait till you’re sixteen, try staying a kid for as long as possible. But I wanted to work so I could raise money to leave my hometown.” She holds up her hand for a moment, “Now that’s a story for a different time.”

“Anyways, how did I get my job at fourteen, i’m sure you’re wondering. I do not condone this I must say, but I may or may not have lied about who I was. See, your Uncle Lincoln had a job interview at this telemarketing place. Well they called the house to schedule an interview and I answered and never told him about it. So I just went in his place and explained that I circled the wrong gender. They bought it.” She winks and smirks.

“So I worked there after school for like a good six months until Lincoln found out and went there and let them know they hired a fourteen year old. Always has to be the level-headed one.” She shakes her head but still has a smile playing on her lips.

“So, how did a fourteen year old lie her way through an interview? That’s really what this video is about. Everyone lies in an interview. No one tells the truth, that’s the first thing you need to know. You trump up your accomplishments and use fancy lingo for the previous jobs you held. Instead of saying ‘I worked at a fast food joint’ you say ‘I was in the food service business’ it’s as simple as that.” She smiles her beautiful smile and chuckles a little to herself.

“Have a firm handshake when introducing yourself. Make eye-contact with them when saying your name. Be enthusiastic, but not overly because those people are just annoying.”

“Most importantly, don’t be nervous. They’ll either like you or not. It’s not the end of the world if you don’t get the job…” She sighs and stares off in the distance, thinking.

She shrugs, “Anyways, that’s all I got.” The video ends.

Clarke looks over at Jake when she hears a sniff. He’s crying. Clarke sets the laptop down and makes her way over to him. Surprised, because he’s never cried during one of her videos before.

She wraps an arm around him as his tears flow.

“What’s wrong?” Clarke asks, concerned. He shakes his head. Continues to cry.

Clarke lets him let it all out. She holds him for a good ten minutes as he cries. After awhile he sits up and begins wiping his face. Clarke studies him.

“I know I shouldn’t feel sad, cause I didn’t know her for that long, but…it’s stupid.” Jake says. Clarke furrows her brow.

“Hey, look at me.” Clarke takes her finger to move Jake’s chin up to look at her. He has her jawline as well. His haunting green eyes bore into Clarke’s blue, red rimmed and watery. He looks just like when he was a toddler and he’d bump his head and call out for her crying.

“You have every right to feel sad. Don’t ever diminish what you’re feeling. She is your mother. She gave you her eyes, her skin, her hair, her jokes. You know her. The entire point of these videos she made was for you to know her. You know her just as much as I do. It’s okay to be sad about it.” Clarke says. He frowns, taking in Clarke’s words.

“I miss her.” Jake whispers. Clarke’s eyes get watery as she gives him a tight-lipped smile.

“Me too.” She whispers. The two sit in silence for awhile, looking at the screen of the TV that is freeze framed on her face.

“Can you put on one with her and I?” Jake asks quietly. Clarke nods and gets up to go back over to the computer. She plays the one with her trying to burp him, she had added in at the end the first time he laughed, since it only took place a few minutes apart.

She watches Jake smile while watching the TV and Clarke can’t fight the grin on her face. She turns back to watch as well.

  
Clarke makes her way to visit her. It’s been about a week since the last time she was here. She brings fresh flowers for her. Peonies, as those are her favorite. She sets them down for her and goes ahead and takes a seat across from her.

She stares ahead of her and reads.

 _Alexandria Marie Griffin-Woods_  
_1984-2016_  
_Adored Wife, Daughter, Mother, and Friend_  
_Your Fight Is Over; May We Meet Again_

Clarke sighs, picking at a blade of grass.

“So I got a big commission coming up. It’s with some hoity toity couple. You’d make fun of them, they’re very snotty. But they’re paying good money so I guess I can’t knock them too bad.” Clarke stares for a moment, thinking about what has gone on for the past week.

“I’m seeing less and less of Jake. I guess he really is a grown up now. It’s weird sometimes, being in our house by myself. I kind of like it though, sometimes. I can get work done a lot easier.”

“Oh, one of our damn sprinkler heads broke three days ago so I have to call someone and get that looked at. I could probably call Bell, but i’m not sure if he knows how to fix one of those things. He’s pretty busy these days though since Gina somehow got pregnant again.” Clarke bites her lip, wracking her brain for anything else.

“Indra and Gus are doing good. I think they’re making a trip out here in about a month. Lincoln and Octavia are well too. Anya and Raven got a call from their adoption agency. Things are really good right now.”

Clarke lets the silence fall over them. Just letting the autumn sun linger on her. The warmth, enveloping her. She then decides she’s been here awhile when she looks at her watch. It’s been over two hours. She goes to stand and lingers in front of her.

She smiles, “I miss you, and I love you, Lexa. I won’t be far away.”

**Author's Note:**

> Fun fact: The bone marrow thing is something scientist have actually been working on. Future reference for anyone writing wlw fics and are uncomfortable with the whole G!P thing and want them to have biological children.


End file.
